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Old 12-15-2006, 09:12 AM   #281
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Apparently Jordan is the female equivalent of Arsenal, as both were infinitely more likeable when they weren't packed out with expensive foreign implants. They've got a point, so what other premier league honeys are packing out the terraces? Find out here...

Fulham - Charlotte Church: Proof that money can't buy you class. But could look more attractive if the Welsh bloke was given the elbow.

Birmingham - Pamela Anderson: Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of people watched them get a good seeing to.

Wigan - Davina McCall: Poor attendances confirm they've been promoted above their ability.

Portsmouth - Girls Aloud: Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn't like them but admit it, you've sneaked the occasional admiring glance.

Sunderland - Kerry Katona: Once the people's favourite but now an embarrassment. Fun while it lasted - now disappear from whence you came, please.

Spurs - Keira Knightley: Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine. And proof that two little ones up front needn't be a drawback.

Everton - Dannii Minogue: The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when it was they were supposed to be any good?

Arsenal - Jordan: Were more likeable when they weren't packed out with expensive foreign implants.

Newcastle - Jodie Marsh: Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but need a lot more work to compete at a higher level.

Aston Villa - Dido: Bland, boring and still trading off the one bighit they had years ago.

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Individually all the components look great but stick them together and it just doesn't work.

Chelsea - Rachel Stevens: You'd rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining.

West Ham - Vicky Pollard: Nothing more needs saying as a teams fans speak for themselves - Chav's in Chav's clothing.

Bolton - Clare Balding: You wouldn't. Not even if they were the last team on earth

Man U - The Spice Girls: heavily reliant on a scouser and probably an attractive outfit if you didn't hate them so much.
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Old 12-15-2006, 07:38 PM   #282
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Joe met Suzi in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Suzi invited Joe to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Suzi began tenderly stroking Joe's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Joe comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more? Suzi replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."
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Old 12-18-2006, 04:02 PM   #283
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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. After stepping down from the stool and buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Actually sir, they usually use it to ride to the brothel in town."
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Old 01-04-2007, 01:39 PM   #284
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Blonde's year in review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.


February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!


March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"


April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!


May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!


June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.


July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!


August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.


September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???


October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.


November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!


December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!


What a year!!
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Old 01-06-2007, 12:55 PM   #285
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Q. Why does noddy have a bell on his hat?

A. Because he's a cunt
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Old 01-08-2007, 11:16 PM   #286
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Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his
penis are broken down and there's nothing he can
do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him
They take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk,
insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never
having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about
6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to "try out his new
equipment".
Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts
feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he
figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants,
rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket,
and disappears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look
on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that
again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."
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Old 01-10-2007, 10:18 AM   #287
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A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just shot his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes b efore heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round didn't you!?!!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past Four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed

The doctor snickered and said, "Just Fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
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Old 01-11-2007, 01:45 PM   #288
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A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. ''Guaranteed my ass,'' he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of NIKE running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, ''If you can catch me you can have me!''

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, ''I like the way this company does business.''

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but REEBOK running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ''If you can catch me, you can have me.''

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/ 50 pound loss program.
''Are you sure,'' asks the representative on the phone, ''this is our most rigorous program...''
''Absolutely,'' he replies. '' I haven't felt this great in years!''

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a 6ft tall strapping bloke standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, ''If I catch you, I can have you!!'''
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Old 01-13-2007, 11:23 AM   #289
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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for
them to
line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a
sexy,beautiful,
big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were
told that
anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be
ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no
reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the
priests
until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it
flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby
foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to
rest and bent over to pick it up.
Then all the other bells started to ring
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Old 01-19-2007, 04:44 PM   #290
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A bloke goes to his Doctor after having problems with premature ejaculations.

The doctor says "When you feel yourself coming try giving yourself a fright by firing a starter pistol in the air to prolong the sex"

Two days later the bloke is back and he isn't too happy.

"So what happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well," said the bloke "Me and the wife were doing a 69er and when i felt myself start to come i did as you said and fired the gun. Straight away the wife shat on my face, bit my bell end off and the milkman came out of the wardrobe with his hands up!"
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Old 01-22-2007, 04:04 AM   #291
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A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something".
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again.
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge.
A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet ! She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on
his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!
The balloon explodes and shit is everywhere.
On him, on the walls, on everything.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
You're laughing aren't you..I know you are!!!
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Old 01-23-2007, 11:18 AM   #292
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Mechanic Vs Doctor

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Dodge SRT-4 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SRT. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how can I make 39,675 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, $1,695,759, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

''Try doing it with the engine running."
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Old 01-28-2007, 11:28 PM   #293
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A Somali arrives in Saskatoon. He is a new immigrant to Canada.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the
street and says,


"Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country!"


But the passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am
Mexican".


The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.


Thank you for having me in such a beautiful country of Canada!"


The person says "I'm no Canadian, I'm from India ."


The new arrival walks further, and the next person he
sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful
Canada.


That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from
Middle East, I am not a Canadian.


He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously,
Are you a Canadian?


She says, "No, I am from Jamaica!"

So he is puzzled, and asks her," Where are all the
Canadians?"


The Jamaican lady looks at her watch, shrugs,
and says...


"Probably at work."
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Old 02-03-2007, 02:06 PM   #294
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old

man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown,
tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and
says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and
says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on
the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains
real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything
he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

His wife say;, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time------- switch sides."
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Old 02-06-2007, 11:21 AM   #295
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A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband
said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at
the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your penis is bigger
than your brother's."
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Old 02-11-2007, 03:44 AM   #296
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These three are not politically correct, i warned u so if u read them, i'm not liable for the disgust u feel.

Q:Whats worse than nailing a live baby to a tree?
A:Ripping it off!

Q:What does micheal jackson have in common with a olympic silver medalist?
A:They both came in a little behind!

Q:How can you tell if a vegetable can float!?
A:Pull him out of his wheel chair and throw him into the pool!

Thank You, Thank You, I'm here all night.
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Old 02-12-2007, 12:18 PM   #297
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A guy goes into the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching o ur balls. No point in you coming in for that."
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Old 02-12-2007, 08:30 PM   #298
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"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said.
"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a
patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.
It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing
to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his
composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over
me.
On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied.
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Old 02-14-2007, 05:29 PM   #299
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Humpty Dumpty sat on a rock
Little Bo Peep was sucking his cock
As soon as he came she started to weep
She knew from the taste he'd been fucking her sheep


A husband, who's admiring his naked body in the mirror, says to his wife:
"Look at that - 12 stone of pure dynamite"

Wife replies, "Shame about the 2 inch fuse"
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I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are still missing

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Old 02-15-2007, 08:31 PM   #300
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Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00
between them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.
Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any moneyleft at all" Larry
replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."They went into the pub where
Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels. Bob said, "Now
you've lost it! Do you know how Much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any
money to pay for this! "Larry replied, with a smile,"Don't worry, I
have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks.Larry said "OK!
I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and
put it in your mouth."Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk,and threw them out. They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and
more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I
can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!
"Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third
bar!"
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