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JOKES!!!

Da' Pimp

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Alright, I wanna hear some FUNNY FUCKING JOKES!!!!!!!!

I'll Start:

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender gives him a beer and he takes a sip, spits it on the floor and says "MotherFucker sure can DRIVE!". About 2 minutes later he orders another beer, takes a sip, spits it on the floor and says : "MotherFucker SURE can drive". This goes on for about an hour.....finally the bartender gets pissed! He approches the man and says "Look I have had enough, every time I give you a beer you just take a sip, spit it on my floor and say "MotherFucker sure can drive" What the hell is going on! The man replies, "Well me and my buddy were driving down the road when he turned the wrong way down a ONE WAY street. About 20 feet in front of us was a Semi-Truck coming at us at FULL SPEED! I told him "Man, you get us out of this I'll suck your dick"................MOTHERFUCKER SURE CAN DRIVE!
 
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Zinista

Koalas & Kangaroos kill people
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:lol: :lol:
Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle, Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice innit, don't ya fink Trace?"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?"
 

Zinista

Koalas & Kangaroos kill people
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There was a koala bear who was approached by a prostitute one day. He had never been with a prostitute before. Curious and excited, Koala spent the night with her and had a GREAT time......
The next morning, he went down on her one last time before departing. After he was done, Koala headed for the door and was about to leave when the prostitute yelled, "hey........what about my money?"
Confused, the Koala turned around, gave her a puzzled look, shrugging his shoulders, and replied "Huh?"
"Come here....." she said and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition: "has sex and gets paid."
Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word Koala and showed her its definition: "eats bush and leaves."
 

Fresh Prince

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Three blondes walk into a bar with a picture made from a kids jigsaw puzzle, drop it down on a table and ask the bartender for 10 beers... they said the rest will be in shortly... each grabs a beer and cheers, saying "2 months, it only took us 2 months." 5 more blondes join them at them, each grabbing a beer, and cheering "2 months, it only took us 2 months." Finally, the last two blones walk in, completing the 10, all drinking and cheering "2 months, it only took us 2 months." So the curious bartender asks what the occasion is. One of the blondes answers, "All these years, everyone has said blondes are dumb and we finally proved them wrong. See this puzzle? On the box it said up to 7 years... it only took the ten of us 2 months to do!"
 

Fresh Prince

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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirtbag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air alot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getiing any.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do ****.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorney's use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a mans heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand the criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they don't intend on driving.

A brunette, a blond, and a redhead are all in the third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, becaue she is 18.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has it's pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1, and Deer nuts are always under a buck.

What does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car on Monday's, Wednesday's, and Friday's?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the sex ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row your boat..."

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different pub.

What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shrter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with ... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "BINGO"!!!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins with "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
 

Fresh Prince

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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side'. That's what they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we Boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook, and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
 

Fresh Prince

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Woman's BJ Ettiquette

She says.....

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it, So if you get one, be grateful.

I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face, No, I DON'T have to swallow.

My ears are NOT handles, do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your ****?

I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.

Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like sh*t so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now, "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch tv, etc...immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it.

No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, etc...

When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
 

Fresh Prince

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Man's reply to Woman's BJ Etiquette.....

First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. if you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.

Second, swallowing a teas**** full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish

You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

If you ever tell me what to say and not to say to my friends again, you won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth...because you won't have any.

Maybe if you brushed your teeth and got the **** off your breath we would stick around afterward.

When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning.

Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the sh*t end of the stick in flavor country.

At least there is no danger of a **** bleeding in your mouth.

Play with the balls

No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.

Caress the ass, too, we like that.

Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat (and you will) and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? leave the thinking to us, okay?
 

Supafly

Barely Ever Here
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A man walks into a bar carrying an alligator. He sits the alligator on the bar and all the other patrons are puzzled.

The man yells across the bar "I'd like to make everyone in this bar a bet.” "I bet I can whip my dick out, put it in the alligators mouth, let the gator clamp down, leave it there for thirty seconds and pull it out unscathed!" " "If I'm successful everyone in the bar has to buy me a drink."

The crowd agrees. So the man whips his dick out, puts it in the alligators mouth, the gator clamps down, he waits thirty seconds, then picks up a beer bottle, hits the gator in the head, the gator lets go of his dick and he pulls it out unscathed.

Everyone in the bar is amazed & starts buying him drinks. 5 min later the man yells across the bar again, "I'd like to make you all another bet!" "If anyone in the bar can do that I'll buy your drinks for the rest of the night."

Everyone in the bar looks around no one seems to want to take the bet. Then suddenly the man sees a hand rise in the corner.
A woman stands up and says "I'll do it if you promise not to hit me in the head with that beer bottle."
 

Zinista

Koalas & Kangaroos kill people
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What's THAT Supposed to Mean???
When WOMEN say......
Yes = No
No = Yes
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need... = I want...
It's your decision = The decision I want you to make should be obvious to you by now.
Do whatever you want = You'll pay for it later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = You better not if you know what's good for you.
I'm NOT upset = Of course I'm upset, you idiot!
You're so manly = You need a shave and a shower.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and wallpaper, and furniture.
I just heard a noise = I noticed you had just fallen asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
I'll be ready in a minute = Get yourself a beer and find a game on TV.

When MEN say...
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
Do you want to go out to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
You look tense...let me give you one of my famous massages = I'd like to have sex with you.
What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Do you want to have sex?
I love you too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
No, I don't mind that you've put on a few pounds...gives me more to love = You're on the express train to Dumpsville.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay.
 

CBELL

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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost"
 

CBELL

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A man had just gotten a medical exam and the doctor gave him some suppositories. The doctor told the man that he would help him with the first one.
Later that night, the man needed another one inserted, so he asked his wife to help him with it. His wife placed her hand on his shoulder and started to insert it.
"DAMN!!" the man said.
"What did I hurt you?" his wife asked.
"No," he said, "I just realized the doctor had both hands on my shoulders."
 

CBELL

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The blond bimbo was at the blood bank and sold a pint of blood. As
she was leaving counting her $25, a man was leaving counting his
money. He had $40. She asked if he had some rare blood type that he
got more than she did. He said no, that he had donated sperm. The next
day the bimbo was back at the blood bank. The receptionist asked if she
was there to donate blood. The blond could only shake her head, as her
cheeks were bulging.
 

CBELL

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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
 

IHateHonda

The Icon
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ok i got a retarded one... but i dunno why but i luv it so much...


whats the difference between micheal jackson, and casper the friendly ghost??



One's pale white and scares little kids and one is a friendly ghost.
 

Zinista

Koalas & Kangaroos kill people
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The Australian Way
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back o his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner.Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be she can then shake some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne.

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he replies
"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies "This is unbelievable..." she says, "... what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished."You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22 and my parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN - THINKS AUSTRALIAN!
 

Saint

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OK FIRST OFF FRESH PRINCE THOSE WERE QUALITY...

NOW FOR THE JOKE

A man walks into an upscale clothing store with his two sons. When the clerk comes over to help him... the man says,

"For me eldest son get him the finest leather jacket money can buy, for FUCKING FAT HEAD here *smacks his younger son in the back of the head* get him a wind breaker."

the cleark goes off and gets the things, when he gets back the man says,

"For me eldest son get him the finest snake skin boots that money can buy, for FUCKING FAT HEAD here *smacks his younger son in the back of the head* get him a pair of sneakers."

the cleark goes off and gets the things, when he gets back the man says,

"For me eldest son get him the finest pair of pants that money can buy, for FUCKING FAT HEAD here *smacks his younger son in the back of the head* get him a pair of blue jeans."

Once again the clerk goes off and gets the things, but when he gets back he asks the man,

"Sir, I can't help to notice that you keeep hitting your son, do u mind if I ask why?"

"Well you see I wanted 3 things in life, 1) a million dollars, I've done that 10 times over, 2) the ultimate sports car, I own a fleet of ferraris, 3) I wanted a wife with the tightest pussy you ave ever seen.... And I had all of that until FUCKING FAT HEAD here."
 

Fresh Prince

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A middle aged man is sitting at his desk one day and realizes his life is too dull. He wants to spice it up, but he doesn't want to do the stereotypical midlife crisis stuff... new car, vacation, so on. So after some thought, he figures out what to do. On his lunch break, he heads downtown to a tatoo parlor to get a tatoo. Walks in, ask the artist if he can do him a favor and tatoo a hundred dollar bill on his dick.

Tatoo artist puzzled, asks why in the hell would you want that? It's gonna hurt like hell to put it on.

The guy replies, well you see I have three reasons... 1) I like to play with my money, 2) I like to watch my money grow, and 3) my wife can blow a hundred bucks faster than anyone else I know.
 

jessicajoanne

LTJ's exp0sed Llama Goddess
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in keeping in the theme of tattoos and dicks...

A guy loves his girlfriend Wendy so much that he decides to tattoo her name on his dick.
When he’s erect, “Wendy” can be read on his dick, when limp, “Wy” is still visible.
Of course, his girlfriend is very happy with it, and while showing of his art, he proposes, which she gladly accepts.
They decide to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon, and they book a full-fledged all-inn holiday, including nude beach access.
Once at the nude beach, they decide to have a drink at a local pub. While Wendy finds a table, he walks up to the bar to order some drinks.
To his surprise he notices that the jamaican barkeeper also has a tattoo on his dick, reading “Wy”.
Curiously, he asks the man if he might have a girlfriend called Wendy as well.
No, says the barkeeper, smiling, when erect, you can read ‘Welcome to Jamaica man, Have a nice day.’
 

jessicajoanne

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This one is dedicated to Malu... once you get to the end you will understand why..

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
 
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