JOKES!!!

Jokes

Read these 10 instructions and then scroll down... no cheating!

1- Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder-width apart.
2- Form a loose grip.
3- Keep your head down.
4- Avoid a quick backswing.
5- Stay out of the water.
6- Try not to hit anyone.
7- If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8- Don't stand directly in front of others.
9- Please be quiet while others are preparing to go.
10- Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

This was From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom.

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A Secretary Complains About Her Boss

She says, "My boss is so sex-crazed.

Everytime he comes into the office, I must do the LAPTOP position, and then the DESKTOP position, followed by the SPREADSHEET format.

I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK, so that he can INSERT in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE.

Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS FREE.

Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER, and ENTER the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage.

Once I tried to ESC (escape) but he caught me and Shifted me to his HOME where he started pressing BACKSPACE, and said "TURNOVER"

Today, many a times he works without CAPSLOCK (without "cap" or "helmet")

and sometimes as an Alternative he CRASHES @ my SYSTEM until he looses his CTRL (control) and again he LOGS IN...

This process may continue until I SHUT DOWN his MAIN SYSTEM

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Tom and Eggs

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

:mrgreen:

Sneaky Burglar

Sneaky Burglar

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

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A sixteen-year-old boy drove into the driveway with a new Porsche. His parents gave him the once over.

"Where did you get that car?!"
He calmly replied, "I bought it." "

With what? We know what a Porsche costs." "

With my allowance," said the boy, "this one only cost me twenty bucks." "Twenty dollars?

Who would sell you a car like that for twenty dollars?" "That lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name, but she saw me ride by on my bike and she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for twenty dollars." "Something's wrong here. I'm going to go right up there and see about this!" said his father.

But when the dad got there, he found the lady calmly planting petunias in her front yard! "Did you sell a car to my son?" "Yes, I did," she replied. "For how much?" "Twenty dollars." "You did? Really? Why?"

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was away on a business trip, but last night I learned from a friend that he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and didn't intend to come back. He told me that he was stranded, needed money right away and I should sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did!"

Ankit Pande said:

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was away on a business trip, but last night I learned from a friend that he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and didn't intend to come back. He told me that he was stranded, needed money right away and I should sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did!"

Click to expand...

Just an aside...this was a true story that got twisted around into a joke. I saw this lady (mid-50's) on some retarded talk show. Her husband had left her. He called her and told her to sell the Cadillac and they would split the money. She put an ad in the paper for a 3-year old Caddy, low mileage, $100. She said the only reason she charged that much was to cover the cost of the newspaper ad.

Whale of a Tale

Whale of a Tale

Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.

Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.

As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

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Can’t hold for a minute

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms and a sales girl approached him...

Sales girl: "Can I help you, Sir?"

Young man: "Yes, I want to buy some condoms."

Sales girl: "What size do you need, Sir?"

Young man: "I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need."

Sales girl: "May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?"

As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance:

"Give me a SMALL one..."

"Wait! Small won’t do give me a MEDIUM one..."

"Wait! I think he needs a LARGE one."

"Shit! First give first a TISSUE."

QUESTION: "Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC

QUESTION: "Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?"

ANSWER:

The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast", "sex", and "contraception".

Some Protestant sects believe that the characters' destinations are predestined; and that it's therefore not worth worrying about--- they'll go where they're supposed to go, according to the unknowable plans of the OEM.

The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower case letters will become upper case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:
You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!

:banana:

Twelve pound nugget of gold

Twelve pound nugget of gold

A Husband and Wife, Both were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy that was born to them. Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a twelve pound nugget of gold. The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was rather hesitant to accept it at its face value. So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown. When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home.

The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter
and Mrs. Brown:

Reporter : Does Mr. Brown Live here?
Mrs. Brown : Oh! Yes.
Reporter : Is he in?
Mrs. Brown : Why no, he went somewhere.
Reporter : Is it true that he owns a twelve pound nugget of gold?

Mrs. Brown : (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed.
Reporter : Can I see the place where he found it?
Mrs. Brown : I am afraid, not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.
Reporter : Is the place far?
Mrs. Brown : No, it is quite near and convenient.
Reporter : How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?
Mrs. Brown : Just for about ten months.
Reporter : Is the hole deep?
Mrs. Brown : Quite so...
Reporter : Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?
Mrs. Brown : Not yet, but he is coming near...
Reporter : At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?

Mrs. Brown : Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.
Reporter : Does he work hard on it?
Mrs. Brown : You bet...........and how he perspires.
Reporter : Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?
Mrs. Brown : He thought he was...

Reporter : How do you know there was someone ahead of him?
Mrs. Brown : I am in a good position to say so, because I own the place.

Reporter : Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?
Mrs. Brown : No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the site, with my consent.

Reporter : Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, I work under him...
Reporter : When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?
Mrs. Brown : I think not because he enjoys working on it.

Reporter : Can I see the twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby boy

The Reporter fainted!

These might have been posted before, if they have and you pm me i will ignore you

Three guys are stuck in the desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a coward! I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends but before he can say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she tells him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The old woman lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes before saying "If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are in the shed," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside to the shed and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

---------------------------------------------

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

------------------------------------------

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. The convict got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly the convict got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it."

"Oh honey", the wife said, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. But he wasn't kissing my neck... he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

-------------------------------------------------

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by
him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" she asks, to which Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

--------------------------------------------

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning"

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost". :eyebulge:

------------------jokes

Hey mox long time no see! Good to see u posting again ..



A jealous husband hired a private detective to check up on his wife. A few days later, the detective returned, complete with a video.

There on the screen, he saw his wife with another man! The two of them laughed in the park, enjoyed a meal at an outdoor café, danced in a nightclub, totally engrossed in each other.

"I can't believe it!" the distraught husband said. The detective replied, "What's not to believe? It's all right there on the screen!"

The husband said, "Who knew my wife was so much fun?!"

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long, graceful legs all the way up to her ass. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

A man is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather sexy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so

he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father Of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,

"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I Shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage
hypnotists, who only invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put
into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It is a
very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch. Watch the watch. Watch the watch.... "
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs
of eyes followed the swaying watch - until, unexpectedly, it slipped from
the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.




Shit!!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to get rid of all the poo in the theatre.

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK.


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this
proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was
indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off
the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly "
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

******

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER......
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT
GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON
THE
DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING
YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON
THE
1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T
WORK)

A letter written by a heartbroken man to his estranged partner

Dear Audrey:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my
fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess
my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of
things.

I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad
anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us
does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this
is what my heart says ... "There's no one like you, Audrey."

I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're
not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with
me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my
desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies
that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I
mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a
tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch
being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made
important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect
body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But
you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she
have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey?

I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know,
maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I
found myself thinking, "why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't
Just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but
something else; some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so
incomplete?

And then it hit me; it didn't feel the same because you weren't there,
Audrey...to watch. Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you.

Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do
Just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Pontins last year?

Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she
figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what
she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a
few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in
our old bedroom.

And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything,
you now like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight
or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she
spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts
it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves.

And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too cause I can't help
thinking, "why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor"? We've
had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex
aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order.

I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful
time.

She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in
general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, she really
is.

So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's
This teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of
how much she looked like you when you were 18.And that just about makes
me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that
Gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it
and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's
cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances
and start fresh?

I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is?

John

A Milking farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly discovered that he couldn't remove the instrument from his dick.

He read the manual, but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.
It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?

" Don't worry," replied the customer service rep,

"The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

----------------------------

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
The ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £6.40
please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll
have The same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I
will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says
the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,
"That will be £12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his
pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I
would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
bird with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

----------------------------------

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's

birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes
over to the counter.


The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says,

"Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?


"He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound it makes."


She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.


He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-lb test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale
this week for £44."


She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"


As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.


"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.


As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At
first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind
salesman could tell it was she who had passed wind.


The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."


The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was
on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"


He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is
£11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

Girl's Revenge

Girl's Revenge


A girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy a round, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.

She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.

Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.

First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth. Then he takes the lime juice.

T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.

T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the color of fresh lime juice.

T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.

T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear....

"It's called Blowjob revenge"

Bangkok,

Bangkok,

In a native culture of Thailand, when males reach the age 18, they participate in a ceremony as follows:

They stand naked in a large circle, facing inward. A beautiful naked girl does a sexy dance in the center of the circle. Behind each male is a beautiful naked girl. As soon as all the males are excited and have erections, the girls behind them reach through between their legs, pull their erect penises downward and then release them. Their penises spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their bellies. A measurement of strength of masculinity.

I am just gussing is that's why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok.

Calling Husband

Calling Husband

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.

Lucy said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."

Betty giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

Lorraine quietly sipped her until Betty finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?"

Lorraine frowned and said,"The postman." "Why the postman?" asked Lucy.

"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Confession!

Confession!


A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you. I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean that you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

He says nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, I do."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, and whacked him over the head with a frying pan and said, "Don't you dare complain about the taste of my cooking ever again!"

Naked Mower

Naked Mower

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs, to be alert an

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date r@p3 drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women with a sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

Pharmacy

Pharmacy

Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young ladies realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills.

She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist. "Please fill this immediately," she asked. "I've got people waiting in my car!"