JOKES!!!

I don't remember seeing this one on here, sorry if it is:

A guy walks into a barber shop and asks how long it will be for a haircut. The barber says 3 hours. The man never comes back. The next day, he comes back, asks how long it will be, and the barber again says 3 hours. He doesn't come back. The next day the guy comes back again and asks how long it will be, and the barber asks him why he comes in everyday, but doesn't get his hair cut. The guy answers that he just wants to know how long he has to screw the barber's wife.

David Beckham runs in early from training one afternoon and dashes to the bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

Becks asks her suspiciously "What are you doing?"

Posh stutters a reply "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack"

"Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance".

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialling 999.

However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn.

"What's the matter,son?" asks Becks.

"Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles Brooklyn.

Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there,starkers.

"You bastard Giggsy" screams Becks. "My wife is right over there having a heart attack,and you're running around naked scaring the shit out of Brooklyn."

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what's brown and crispy, and sits smoking at the top of the stairs?

A cripple in a house fire

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Whats the difference between a priest and acne??

Acne waits untill you're 13 to cum on your face.

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A woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends £5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the sales assistant, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." the woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a chemist on her way down the street, goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk the same question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but, thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay,... how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" He replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."

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A bit xenophobic, but still funny

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on
his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a b1tch wanted to touch me
and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in
turn must have slapped his face"

The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on
the blonde and she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That English pig put his hand on that blonde
and by mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can
smack that French twat again".

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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's
shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where
he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson
Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'
this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin 'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third
pub!!!!!

A guy walks into the doctor’s surgery looking sheepish. The doctor asks him what the problem is and he explains that it’s a rather delicate matter to do with his anal passage, which he finds it difficult to talk about.

“I’ve been a doctor for over 20 years,” says the doc. “There isn’t much that I haven’t encountered. Why don’t you save us both the time and explain the problem.”

The guy says, “I think I’d rather show you”, so he pulls down his pants and bends over.

The sight of the guy’s arsehole astounds the doc; its been torn to the size of a football and is badly bruised.

“Christ!” exclaims the doc. “What the hell happened to you?”

“Well,” the guy says, “I was on safari in Africa and was raped by a bull elephant.”

The doc considers this and says, “well sir, my knowledge of veterinary science may be limited, but I thought elephants’ penises were long and thin.”

“They are,” agrees the guy, “but he fingered me first!”

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One of my personal faves (dedicated to Conman and other pool fans :lol: )-

Two boys are playing football in the park when one is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a nearby fence, forces it into the dog’s collar and twists it, breaking the dog’s neck. A passing newspaper reporter sees this, rushes over and introduces himself. Taking out his pad and pencil, he writes, “Manchester city fan saves friend from vicious animal.” The boy interrupts, “but I’m not a city fan.” The reporter starts again: “Manchester united fan rescues friend from crazed attack.” The boy again interrupts, “I’m not a united fan either.” “Who do you support then?” asks the reporter. “Liverpool,” replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: “scouse bastard kills family pet.”

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A rabbi and a priest are involved in a bad car crash. Their vehicles are totalled but both clergymen are uninjured. After they crawl from their wrecked cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar.
“So,” says the rabbi, “you’re a priest. I am a rabbi. Just look at our cars. Both are wrecked completely and yet we stand here unscathed. God must have intended for us to meet and become great friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
“I agree with you totally,” says the priest. “This must be a sign from god. You will be my greatest friend for as long as we both may live.”
“Look at this,” the rabbi continues. “Here is another miracle already. Look here in the back. A bottle of Mogen David wine, unbroken. Surely god wants us to seal our friendship with a drink.” with this, he pops the cork, and hands the bottle to the priest, who takes several swigs before passing it back. But the rabbi says, “no no my friend have another drink.” The priest enquires, “Aren’t you having any?”
“No,” replies the rabbi. “I think I’ll just sit here and wait for the police.”

Bill

Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks.

Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."

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Surrender time

A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE.
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.

One day the zoo keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
Surprised, the zoo keeper asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

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10 classic oxymorons

Act naturally
Government organization
American history
Business ethics
Devout atheists
Peace force
Temporary tax increase
Political science
Rap music
Religious tolerance

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I love this one-

Pierre the famous French fighter pilot takes his girlfriend Vicki out for a picnic by the River Seine.

Its a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Vicki leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre kiss me!" He grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Vicki's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Vicki . "I am Pierre the famous fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.

A moment later Vicki says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of white and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Vicki. To which Pierre exclaims, "I am Pierre the famous fighter pilot! When I eat white meat, I have white wine!"

Things really start to steam up. Vicki leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre kiss me lower" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Vicki shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Vicki throws her arms upwards and is furious "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the famous fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

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What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Three bullets.

Jokes

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

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Compensating Factors

Two not-too-bright fellows were talking. One was explaining to the other how the Good Lord often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies.

"You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell."

"I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if someone has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer."

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AMAZING HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

A man surveys the women in a nightclub, picks out the most attractive, and takes a seat next to her at the bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets nowhere. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box, and pulls a frog out of it.
"Cute," says the woman. "Is that a pet?" The man smiles and says, "Yes, and he's good at doing tricks too." "Like what?" asks the woman. "He eats pussy. Come back to my place and I'll prove it to you" he says. Once in the bedroom, the girl strips off and puts the frog between her legs. The frog doesn't move. After a couple of minutes, the woman looks at the immobile frog, and finally demands, "Well?"
The man shakes his head sorrowfully, picks up the frog and says, "Okay, you idiot, I'm only going to show you one more time."

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A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he comes across a preacher baptising folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips and falls down before the preacher. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?"
Out of his skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies. And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water. Moments later, he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!"
Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again...this time leaving him there a little longer. Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?"
Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!"
At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time. A full minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts the preacher, "tell me you've found Jesus!"
Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher: "You sure this is where he fell in?"

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The Seven Dwarves walk up to a nunnery and huddle outside the door to discuss something. Then Doc walks up to the door and knocks. The Mother Superior opens the door and Doc asks her if there are any 3 ft nuns in this nunnery. The mother superior looks at him funny and says that "no, there are no 3 ft nuns here." Doc thanks her and goes back to the group and they huddle again making all sorts of whispering noises. Happy walks up to the door and knocks jovially. Mother Superior opens the door and Happy asks if there are any 3 ft nuns in the country. Mother Superior wonders what is going on, but says that, "no there are no 3 ft nuns in the country." Happy thanks her and goes back to the group. Again they huddle for consultation. Grumpy is sent up to the door. The Mother Superior opens the door and Grumpy asks her if there are any 3 ft nuns on the continent, and the Mother Superior, frustrated, says that "NO, there are no 3 ft nuns on the continent." Grumpy growls a thank you and goes back to the group. After a few minutes, they send Sleepy. He knocks on the door and the Mother Superior opens the door, sees Sleepy standing there, and yells, "NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FT NUNS ON THE ENTIRE PLANET! NONE! THERE NEVER WERE AND NEVER WILL BE ANY 3 FT NUNS! EVER!" and slams the door. Sleepy yawns and goes back the group. He shakes his head. The rest of the group turns to Dopey and starts chanting:
"DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN, DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN..."

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joke

Jesus, Moses and an Old Man with a long grey beard in overalls were playing golf.

Moses tees off and his ball lands 5 inches from the hole. "Nice shot Moses", says Jesus.

Next, Jesus tees off. His ball lands 2 inches from the hole. "Well you were closer that I was", said Moses.

Next the old man tees off. As he is chewing on a piece of straw he watches his ball head straight for the water hazard where it is immediately swallowed by a fish. Just as the fish jumps up to swallow the ball an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish. As the eagle is flying away, a lightening bolt strikes him and he drops the fish. The fish lands about 10 inches from the hole and the ball pops out and rolls right into the hole.

Jesus looks back and says, "Nice shot Dad."

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Sherlock Holmes

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.

"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before." Then he explained, "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

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Mordern Laws

1) Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

2) Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3) Kovac's Conundrum: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

4) Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

5) O'brien's Variation Law: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

6) BELL'S THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

7) RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8) WILLOUGHBY'S LAW: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

9) ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10) BREDA'S RULE: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

11) OWEN'S LAW: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12) HOWDEN'S LAW: You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
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A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."
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One day a man and a woman were having sex and a bee flew up the womans pussy.

The man took the woman to the hospital.

The doctor said he was going to put some honey on the tip of his penis and lure the bee out.

The doctor begins to lure the bee out, and soon realises it's not working, so he begins thrusting his penis into this woman.

The man appears shocked and says "Doctor, what the hell do you think your doing".

The doctor replies "I couldn't lure it out, so I'm going to drown the bastard"
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A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"

The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"

Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"

Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".

Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"

Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?" The boy says " Beacause your finger smells like P U S S Y !"

Joke

The Pakistani President, Gen Pervez Musharraf, is visiting his U.S. counterpart, President George Bush, in Washington, DC.

The U.S. President offers a gift to his guest. "Here you go, Mush" says Bush. "Try out this shiny new Cadillac. It's the finest model."

"Thank you, Mr. President, but I cannot accept this magnificent gift," replies Mush.

"Oh. I understand about gift limits. I understand the problems you are having in Pakistan with your non-profit associations. Ok then ... give me a half dollar for it. Then it won't be a gift," replies Bush. Musharraf gives Bush a dollar.

"I don't have any change ... too bad," says the President.

"Big deal... you can just give me two Cadillacs" retorts Musharraf.

F

False Analogy


A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink.

A few minutes later, he says to no one in particular, "All lawyers are assholes."

The fellow next to him lit into him. "How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as assholes? How have you missed that it's just not okay to cast aspersions on an entire group of people? You just try saying something like that about any other group of people and you'd get slugged. And you should! If you weren't such a jerk, I'd pour my drink all over you, but you're not worth the cost of my drink."

The fellow was properly abashed, and apologized. "Look, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," he says, "By the way, what kind of lawyer are you?"

"Lawyer? I'm no lawyer, you idiot. I'm an asshole!"

:crazy:

Foot Doctor

Foot Doctor


Joe, after having had one too many in a bar, called up the bartender and says, "I want a woman!"

The bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. Joe was so drunk that he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor.

The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"

"Yes, I want some service," states Joe.

She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. Drunken Joe goes in and places his manhood on the exam table.

When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees Joe's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!"

Joe replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."

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One night wife play the national anthem while preparing for sex.

Hubby, "why u r playing this?"

Wife, "The whole country stands up when this song is played, Let me see if does any wonder for your instruement."

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10 qualities of a perfect Girl Friend:

Truthfull,
Intelligent,
Gentle,
Humble,
Tolerant,
Polite,
Understanding,
Sexy,
Smart,
Youtfull

in short T.I.G.H.T. P.U.S.S.Y.

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A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman standing behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! "

Then he got a little panicky."I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE.. .during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store, caught up with her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

Jokes

One day a man walks into a whore house. He goes to the pimp and says, "I want something different."

The pimp says "Well, we have one girl that loves to take it up the ass."
"No, that's too common. I want something different."

"Well, have you ever tried a Hurricane Gussy?"
"I'll be damned, that is different. I'll try that."

The man goes up to the room and takes off his clothes. A minute later a huge Amazon type women comes in. She starts jumping up and down, blowing as hard as she can. The man says, "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm Hurricane Gussy and that is the wind coming from the Hurricane."
"OK, I'll buy that."

Then she starts beating him over the head with her breasts.
"What the hell are you doing?"

"Those are the coconuts nuts falling off the tree hittin' you on the head."

The man says alright. Then she stands over top of him and starts pissing all over him. "What the hell are you doing?!!"

"Those are the warm rains coming from the hurricane."

The man gets up and starts to put on his clothes. Gussy says, "Where are you going?"
"I'm leaving!! Who can fuck in this weather?!"

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Feet go to heaven first

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher.

The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."

The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down."

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There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.

"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.

"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.

"Okay, I can do that." George answered.

Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.

"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam.

"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.

"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam.

"Sure" says George.

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle!

What does a gay horse eat?
HAY HAY HAY!!!

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalogue!

What's the best thing about twenty seven year olds?
There's twenty of 'em!

i dont know if these will work.. they have to be told!

What's Beethoven's favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NA!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
FREEP.
FREEP WHO?
No, thanks!

jokes

Doctor's stories :


A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

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At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.

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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

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During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor.

"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see; the man had over fifty patches on his body. Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. And you always wondered why instructions always seemed to state the obvious!

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After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.

He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!"

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

Jokes

First time with a condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.

She said, "Just a minute." And walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" I said, "I sure did." And held up my thumb to show her.

*edit* i found this joke by some guy named Mike.

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Midget!!

There was a midget (little person) down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left one and told the midget to turn his head and cough -- the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc, and putting his finger under the right one, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look so he stared at the ceiling, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. Then the doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his groin area was no longer aching.

The midget said "Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even feel it... What did you do?"
The Doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
:razz:

Five reasons not to be a penis! + Condom signs

Five reasons not to be a penis!

1) Your head is bald forever.

2) You live between two nuts.

3) An asshole lives behind you.

4) Your best mate’s a cunt.

5) When you get excited, you get sick and then faint.

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Black Testicles

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"

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WHAT'S YOUR CONDOM SIGN

SCORPIO:

Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn't get caught. Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.

SAGITTARIUS:

Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases. Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be on target with Cupid's arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom.

CAPRICORN:

Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality, ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having the longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra long. With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale. Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When you're horny enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom.

AQUARIUS:

Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign, and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a little bit kinky. They come colored hot pink and electric blue, and they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers for extra stimulation. With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, "Things can change overnight; it depends upon how late you stay up and with whom doing what." Since Aquarius is a social sign, Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When your love juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom.

PISCES:

Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on mysticism. Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little spikes are optional on the inside. Pisces condoms contain special instructions for erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and you're on a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.

ARIES:

Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a "get up and go" attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is optional for the black sheep. Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want an Aries condom.

TAURUS:

Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and they're frequently on sale. Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once they've made a decision, they're almost impossible to stop. When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when you're really horny.

GEMINI:

Geminis are known for their versatility, intellect and communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety of sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, they're available through mail order. Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always come in special pop up dispensers so that you don't have to work too hard. Gemini is the sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.

CANCER:

Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history known a time when Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique specimens grace many collections. Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring "Breast Worship Rituals." Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When you're not getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for a Cancer condom.

LEO:

Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo condoms come in one size: extra, extra large. Leo is symbolized by the lion. When you're ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, you're ready for a Leo condom.

VIRGO:

Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of fit and they keep you neat and clean. Virgos tend to be environmentally sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed, all purpose instruction manual. Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When you're ready for some ritualized defloweration activities, you're ready for a Virgo condom.

LIBRA:

Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand-painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities. Libra is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra condom.

imp:

joke

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and starts kissing her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants to go all the way, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too...

jok

There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. "As a reward for being so patient you have been given life for 30 minutes to do what you've wished to do most" says the angel. Immediately, the two statues disappear off behind a shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues until, after fifteen minutes, the two return out of breath. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left". The male statue asks the woman statue "shall we do it again?" "Oh yes" She replies "But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you crap on its head!!"

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's famous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?!

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......