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JOKES!!!

agent orange

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A woman goes to her doctor with an unusual complaint, she has a bee up her fanny.

Doctor says "Ok here's the plan, i'm going to rub honey on my dick and insert it. When the bee smells it, i'll withdraw and he'll follow."

"Ok, if that's the only way" says the woman nodding her head.

The doctor drops his trousers and starts, as he does so the woman begins to moan.

The doctor starts to thrust harder and faster.

"What the fuck are you doing?" yells the woman.

"Change of plan" says the doctor, "i'm going to drown the bastard instead"
 

tommy13

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In the Running for Best Joke of the Year.


This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a stop light while
not really paying attention.

Anyway the fellow who was driving got out... and he was a dwarf .

He said "I'm not happy"........

I said "Well which one are you then ?
 

agent orange

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Paddy was in the pub telling his mate about joining the army and his first parachute jump.
He said they were flying at about 30,000ft and one by one they started to jump out of the plane.
When it came to his turn though he couldn't jump.
Then this big fella next to him pulled out his 12 inch penis and said "Paddy, if you don't jump, i'll stick this up your arse"
Paddy's mate asked "Well, did you jump?"
Paddy said "Just a little when he first stuck it in"
 

rockin

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THAT WAS A BIG INSECT

A FAMILY WAS DRIVING BEHIND A OLD PICKUP TRUCK FILLED WITH TRASH AND USED JUNK WHEN A DILDO FLIES OUT OF THE BACK OF IT AND HITS THEIR WINDSHIELD.

EMBARASSED AND TO PROCTECT HER YOUNG SONS INNOCENCE, THE MOM SAYS,

"THAT WAS A BIG INSECT"

TO WHICH ONE OF THE BOYS REPLIED,

"I'M SUPRISED IT CAN FLY WITH A COCK LIKE THAT!"
 

agent orange

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A loud, unattractive and hard faced woman walks into a supermarket with her two kids in tow screaming obscenities at them through the entrance.

The security guard at the entrance says "Good morning Madam - nice kids, are they twins?".

"Do they fucking look like twins?, you fucking idiot" the fat ugly woman replies in a sarcastic tone.

"Absolutely not" says the security guard "i just can't believe anyone would fuck you twice!"
 

Drive-By Trucker

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Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.

During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, over sized peni$es.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated peni$es?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have peni$es!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."

------------ --------- --

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

------------ ---------

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails! "

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousymood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
 

yeroulfella

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Daddy Long Legs
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as
he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in
his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through
such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question
he
replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden." she said
 

agent orange

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News just in...
23 people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train station in Dublin.
Police believe that Irish terrorists have set off the first "No More Nails" bomb.
 

agent orange

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Ben asks his new girlfriend for a hand job.

"I've never done that" she says, "what do i do?"

"Well" says Ben, "remember when you were a kid and you would shake a coke bottle and spray your with brother it - that's what you do."

She nods, and with that Ben pulls out his penis.
His girlfriend grabs it and starts vigorously shaking it.
A minute later Ben has tears running down his face and snot flowing from his nose.

"What's wrong?" says his girlfriend.

"Take your fucking thumb off the end!" shouts Ben.
 

agent orange

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A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been
married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met
needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her breasts and
crotch.
The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a
daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
 

agent orange

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Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one.
His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying "Get outta here you little shit"
A couple of hours later Dad hears quite a commotion coming from Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find Johnny giving his Grandma one.
Johnny smiles "Not so fucking funny when it's your Mum is it...?"




Two cowboys sitting round their campfire talking about sex.
First one says "My favourite position is the Rodeo"

"I haven't heard of that one" says the other cowboy, "describe it to me"

"Well" says the first cowboy, "You start by getting your girl down on all fours, then you mount her from behind. Then you reach round, cup each of her breasts and whisper - 'these feel just like your sisters'. Then try to hang on for 8 seconds"
 

numbersix

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One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.


He whispered back, "I found the remote!"
 

-KA-

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An Estonian guy is walking on a street when suddenly 4 Russian guys approaches.
R: "Give me a sigaret"
E: "I don't smoke"
R: "Don't smoke, huh? Bl??, We'll kick your ass"
E: "Wow, 4 on 1. Ain't that a bit unfair?"
R: "Fucking Estonian, I give you Dima"
E: "It's still three on two"
R: "Take Aleksei too"
E: "But now it's two on three"
R: " Fuck off, Estonian, we don't need you, this is our fight"
 

agent orange

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A scouser is sat in a bar having a few drinks.
In walks a gay guy who eyes him up.
After a few beers the gay guy finally plucks up the courage to speak to the scouser.
"Do you fancy a blow job?" he whispers in the scousers ear..
The scouser picks up a bar stool and batters the gay guy to a pulp, kicking him out the door for good measure.
The barman comes over and says "Christ! That was a bit brutal - what did he say to you?"
"Dunno," replies the scouser, "something about a job"
 

agent orange

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A man says to his Wife, "I had a wet dream about you last night"
She says "Really?"
He says "Yeah, i dreamt you got hit by a bus and i pissed myself laughing!"


A woman in a jewellers accidentally farts as she leans over to look at a necklace on display.
Hoping no one noticed she asks the assistant "How much?"
The Jeweller replies "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you'll shit yourself when i tell you the price"
 

agent orange

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A woman shopping in her local supermarket notices a young shop assistant by the tills.
He has such a cute ass that it makes her randy.
She asks him to carry her shopping to her car.
On the way she can't hold back any longer and says "I've got an itchy pussy"
"You'll have to point it out love" says the young man, "all these Japanese cars look the same to me"
 

Legion12941

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One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
 

Warhawk

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A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
 

Warhawk

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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."
 

agent orange

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Harley Davidson died and went to heaven and was boasting to God how he'd created the best motorbike in the world!
God disagreed, saying "BMW's were a better designed bike"
Harley said "What the fuck do you know about design. You created women and look at the problems we have with them!"
"Ahem," said God, clearing his throat "I think you will find a lot more men are riding my creation than yours!"
 
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