JOKES!!!

Subject: Fw: The innocence of childhood

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her
students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
thethird-grade too!"Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
Principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give
the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go
back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the
conditions were xplained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only twoof?
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry was taking charge.
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog
do on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions,okay?
Harry: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get meup. I
get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in
the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are

all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St Peter.

St Peter asks first girl, "Rebecca, have you ever had any contact

with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched

the head of one with the tip of my finger." St Peter says, "OK, dip

the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Meg have you ever had

any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies

"Well once I fondled and stroked one." St Peter says "OK, dip your

whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one

girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches
the front of the line.

St Peter says "Amy! What seems to be the rush?"? The girl replies

"If I have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it

before Jenny sticks her arse in it"

What's blue and fucks grannies?

Hypothermia






A little Red Indian boy asks his father, the great chief and shaman of his tribe:"Papa, Why do we Indians always have long names, and Whites on the other hand have shorter ones? Bill, Tex, or Sam, for example."

Papa answers: "Listen my son, our names are symbolic, poetry for our culture, not like the Whites who all live together with the same repeated names. Furthermore, it's part of our cultural identity, which in spite of everything still survives. Look, for example, your sister is named 'Little Resplendent Moon of the Great Lake', because when she came into the world, it was night time and there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. And there's your brother, 'Great White Stallion of the Prairies', because the day he was born, there appeared the great white horse that roams over the prairies of these lands and is the symbol of the fullness of life and the strength of our people.

It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, my 'Little Defective Condom, Made In China'?"





I checked into a hotel the other night and thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful legs . You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is s-x. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole nightlong. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

A woman goes round to visit her daughter-in-law.
Upon arrival and letting herself in she finds her daughter-in-law lying naked on the sofa.
"Would you mind explaining what you're doing?" she asks, somewhat shocked.
"I'm in my love suit, waiting for your son to come home" comes the reply,
"You see when your son comes in he will see me naked and immediately make mad, passionate love to me!"
Well, the mother-in-law thinks this is a fantastic idea and rushes home to do the same for her husband.
In due course the husband arrives home from work and sees his wife naked on the sofa,
"What are you doing woman?" says the husband.
"I'm in my love suit darling" she replies.
"Oh yeah", says the husband. "Well it needs ironing, what's for dinner?"

A man marries a deaf girl,

he says "We must work out a code:

If i want sex i'll stroke your left breast, you reply by pulling my penis ONCE for YES or 150 times for NO"

MEMORANDUM
From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Quieda Fighters
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys.

We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns -

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily, I've done my bit on the cleaning rota........ have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare most of the world population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup'thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote
"Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team chanting and all that, but, we must distance ourselves from the Westerner's bat and ball games...it's just not cricket. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" every time I ride past on the donkey. Thanks

Five: Graffitti:Whoever wrote Ossie fucks donkeys! on the group toilet wall please clean it off...it's a lie anyway, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens, is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the "chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain" will not be accepted in future. Bestiality with non halal chicken is forbidden...there is a grey area with donkeys however.

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar,Hammed and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug.
Os.

PS - I'm sick of having Osama's Bed Linen scribbled on my bed sheets -
Cut it out Abdul, it's not funny anymore.
----------------------

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has shit his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father shagging the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealers! I saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing . The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is clearly a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and
asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock.

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
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The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
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The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner removed the dead man's private. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
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The Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much; I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something, I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
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The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.

"4 cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
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The Sixth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no I must die in peace, Becky. I, I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work".

Ponderisms:

? I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.

? Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant to pull on it. If it comes out
of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

? The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

? Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

? There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

? Life is sexually transmitted.

? Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

? The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

? Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

? Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

? All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

? Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

? How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

? Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle??

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started
screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in
a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was
empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew
without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do".

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.

"Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope" said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Ann and Joe were out for a walk.
Ann says "I need a piss" and goes behind a bush.
Joe hears her knickers come down and feeling a bit kinky puts his hand through between her legs and feels something hanging.
"Ann, have you changed your sex?" asks Joe.
"No", she replies, "I've changed my mind, i'm having a shit!"

-----------------------------


The Rabbi and the Taxman...


At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the

books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I

notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle

drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to

the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of

candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual

question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

(/Matzo: a very thin brittle biscuit of unleavened bread/ /)/

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to

trap him with an

unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them

back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box

of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster

the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover

foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save

up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a

year they send us a complete dick."

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The
hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down
three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be
refreshed."


There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down
three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down
three inches, that fish will jump for the fly and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh..." he thought, "if that fly
goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will
expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a
proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I
can tell you there's more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes
down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs
for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese
sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch
time. "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps
for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots that
bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I can have
mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly. The bear grabs the
fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich.
The cat jumps for the mouse. The mouse ducks. The cat falls into the
water and drowns.

The moral of the story: Whenever a fly goes down three inches some pussy
is in serious danger.

A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:
Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.
Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said its good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.
Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and was lousy in bed.
Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He says he knows you

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby
to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady
came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at
him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he
finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked,
"My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day!
My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming? That was me."

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller - one guy suddenly
started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are
you
doing?"

Well," said the guy, "You see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that
you
were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help
practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work
for
Revenue Canada. Do you see me fucking the guy in front of me?"

Brokeback Mountain:


A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's
office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not
going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can
I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy
sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,
10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts
cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me?"
Doc, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what
your ass is for."

Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a
little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you
believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift
of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough"
more
or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her,
let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end
of
the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten
dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that
she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked
last
week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be
working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot
ever deliver the fuckin' plywood..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

Understanding engineers: One
Two engineering students, one pushing a bicycle, were walking across
a university campus when one said to the other,
"Where did you get such a great bicycle?"

The second student replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike,
threw it on the ground, took of all of her clothing and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineering student nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice,
the clothes probably wouldn't fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers: Two
To the optomist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it need to be.

Understanding Engineers: Three
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We have been waiting for
fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, I don't know, but Ive never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper, let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello Philip, what's wrong with that group ahead of us?"
They're rather slow aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their eyesight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad.
I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there is anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers: Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?"
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers: Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers: Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must
have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said. "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers: Seven
Normal people believe that if it aint broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it aint broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers: Eight
An engineer was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess."

He bent over picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a
beautiful princess and stay with you for a week."

Finally the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess
and that I'll stay with you for a week and you can do any thing you want to me.
Why don't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend,
but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

The Moral of Auntie Sharon:

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their
parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens.One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs got broken".

"What's the morale of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too".

But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen
eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral
to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.

"That was a fine story Sarah."

Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon
was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got
hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a
bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey
on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the
middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the
machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more
with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last
ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral
did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."