JOKES!!!

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying out the coffin, they accidentaly bump into a wall. Hearing a faint moan from inside, the woman's husband opens the casket and finds that his wife is actually alive!

She dies again 10 years later, at which point her husband has to go through another funeral. This time when the pallbearers carry the casket out towards the door, the husband yells out, " Watch out for that fucking wall!"

A man with stomach pains goes to the hospital. The doctor tells him it's constipation and that he'll need to use suppositories. The man is intrusted to drop his pants and bend over, where upon the doctor shoves the tablet up his ass.

"You'll have to do this every six hours for a week." says the doctor.
Later that evening, the man is having difficulty inserting another suppository and decides to ask his wife for help. He tells her what to do, then drops his pants and bends over. She proceeds to put one hand on his shoulder and with the other shoves the tablet home.

"Damn!!" the mans screams.
"What's the matter?" she asks. " Did I hurt you?"
" No." replies the man, "but I just realized that the doctor put both hands on my shoulders!"

WOMAN - CHEMICAL ANALYSIS


Element:
Woman

Symbol:
Wo

Discoverer:
Adam

Quantitative Analysis:
Accepted at 36-24-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-25 to 60-55-60 have been identified.

Occurrence:
Found wherever Man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:
Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted to money and sports cars. In its natural shape, the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernible except to the experienced eye.

Chemical Properties:
Has great affinity for Au, Ag and Cu, especially in the crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH, and sexy aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst is often required (you must say you love her at least five times daily). Reaction accelerates when in the dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied at the correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.

Storage:
Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.

Uses:
Highly ornamental. Used as a tonics for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent - if properly prepared.

Tests:
Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:
Most powerful reducing agent known to Man (income and ego). Highly explosive in experienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed.

NOTE:
It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.


How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, she can cook in the dark.


What's the difference between a blonde and a lightbulb?
Lightbulbs smarter, blonde is easier to turn on.


How many Irish blokes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2. One to hold the light bulb and the second to drink enough so the room starts spinning.

woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom wardrobe to watch. The woman's husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the wardrobe, not realising that the little boy is already in there.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man replies, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - Want to buy it?"
Man - "No thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "Okay, how much?"
Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the wardrobe together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy replies, "$1000."
The father exclaims, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.....that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

So, they go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again!"

IHateHonda said:

ok i got a retarded one... but i dunno why but i luv it so much...

whats the difference between micheal jackson, and casper the friendly ghost??

One's pale white and scares little kids and one is a friendly ghost.

Click to expand...

yeah I heard one similar

What the difference between Michael Jackson & Neil Armstrong?

One moon walked and one fucks little boys!



Sorry.

Why do women like circumsized dicks? They can't resist anything that's 10% off.. :wink:

I know I will go to hell for this one...

How do you kill a retarded person?

Give them a knife and tell them a funny joke.

Fresh Prince said:

I know I will go to hell for this one...

How do you kill a retarded person?

Give them a knife and tell them a funny joke.

Click to expand...

I'll follow that one up with one of the same caliber.

Why don't blind people sky dive?

Cause It scares the fuck outta their dogs.

How do blind women have sex?

Stick the plunger in the toilet and sit down

As every englishman knows, more often than not, we scousers are the butt of a lot of jokes. I'm posting this one cos I heard it today and it gave me a chuckle. If you like this, you'll probably like the others I receive on almost a daily basis:

A Liverpool F.C scout returns from Bosnia raving about a new Teenage
superstar he's seen in the war torn country. The Manager is convinced
and is so desperate for no one else to snatch him up that he signs the boy
without looking at him for himself. The boy arrives in Liverpool for
Saturday's game, and is on the bench.
With ten minutes to go Owen gets injured and is stretchered off.
The Manager points to the new Bosnian boy: "This is your big chance, son.
Go out there and do the business for us".
The lad strips off his shell suit and takes to the pitch.
In those dying minutes he's a revelation, scoring a hat trick.
The Kop goes mad.

After the game The Manager gives the new boy a big hug in the changing room.
"Great performance son. Go and give your parents a ring at home. They'll be
so proud of you. You can use the phone in my office".
The lad goes into the boss's office and rings his mum. "Mum, I've just had
the best debut; I scored a hat trick!..........you don't sound very happy
though; why are you crying? Is everything okay?"
"No, son, today has been the worst yet. Your dad has been shot, they've
raped your sister, and the house has been burnt to the ground."
"God, mum, that's terrible; I'm really sorry"
"So you should be son. It was your idea for us to move to Liverpool."

There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. "As a reward for being so patient you have been given life for 30 minutes to do what you've wished to do most" says the angel. Immediately, the two statues disappear off behind a shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues until, after fifteen minutes, the two return out of breath. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left". The male statue asks the woman statue "shall we do it again?" "Oh yes" She replies "But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you crap on its head!!"

Beer ~vs~ Pussy

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

Enjoy some of the better jokes I have in my inbox:

One morning, as his wife was preparing breakfast, Bob walked up behind her, pinched her butt, and said, "You know if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle". She replied with a mean look. The next morning, Bob woke her up with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra". At this, she reached down, grabbed his penis, and said, "You know if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother".

Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Dave with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Dave, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Dave.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face"

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
That's it!" She blows her top, "You Bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. " Oh fuck, it's started."

A prisoner escapes from prison where he has served 15 years. He stops at a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. He kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy's dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too...."

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head".

A newlywed couple is bargain hunting. They come across an unusual mirror that the shop owner claims has "magical powers." They buy the mirror and place it on the back of their bedroom door. One day, the wife decides to test the mirror out, and while looking into the mirror, she says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my breasts size 44." Lo and behold, it happens. The woman runs down the stairs to show her husband, who is utterly amazed. He runs up to the bedroom, and while looking in the mirror, says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my manhood touch the floor." Then his legs fall off

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked," Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning or rock climbing?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?

This homosexual goes to the doctor for a check up because he hasn't been feeling very well. The doc runs all kinds of tests and finaly calls the gentleman," Sir I would like you to come in so we can talk about your test results, there is some bad news and some good news"...The next day the gentleman shows up at the doctors office," Ok doc let me have the bad news first" The doctor says," I'm sorry but you have AIDS"...the gentleman replys,"What the hell is the good news then?"..."Well", says the doc..." I want you to take a vacation to Mexico, I want you to eat all the native fruits you can find, I want you to eat all the native veggies you can find and I want you to drink the local water."..The gentlman asks," Wow doc, will this cure me?"...Doc replies," No, BUT IT WILL SHOW YOU WHAT YOUR ASSHOLE IS SUPPOSED TO BE USED FOR!

One day mom was cleaning Junior's room, and in the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was very upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

Got this in the inbox today:

Ever wondered........

...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

...why doctors call what they do "practice"?

...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid

is made with real lemons?

...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the

indestructible black box?

...why sheep don't shrin! k when it rains?

...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?


In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos:.You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. details
inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would
be how?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's
"just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside !
down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought?)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this
because?)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as
opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now,
somebody out there, help me on t! his. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one:

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

"Go straight to Hell, do not collect £200":

It is claimed Victoria Beckham has taken her revenge on David by sleeping with Michael Jackson.

Jacko denies it, claiming he was in Brooklyn at the time.

Why do Scotish men wear kilts?
Sheep can hear zippers.


Why did the blonde break her car window?
Her friend was locked inside.


A girl goes out on a date with a trumpet player and when she gets back her roommate askes her how it was. She says "Fine but when he kissed me his lips were really tight together." Next week she goes out with a tuba player and when she gets back her roommater askes her how it was. She says "Fine but when he kissed me his mouth was really loose."
Next week she goes out with a french horn player and when she gets back her roommate askes how good of a kisser he was. The girl says "He was an ok kisser, but oh how he held me!"

Sex In The Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Q: What'd Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

A: *choke*