JOKES!!!

When is it ok to slap a man in a wheelchair?
When he rolls up in front of you and says "Gee your hair smells nice".

Why don't blind people sky dive?
It stares the shit out of the seeing eye dog. :lol:

The Smoker, the Alcoholic and the Homosexual


Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.

His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

One day in the Garden of Eden while Adam was away,
Eve became really horny. As she was not expecting Adam
back for a while, she decided to go off and look for some fun.
Walking along, she spotted a dinosaur, grabbed it,
and fu*k* it till it died. Still not satisfied,
she came across some monkeys playing in the trees.
She tried to grab them, but all she could get were handfuls
of their hair. She continued on and came to a stream.
She reached in and pulled at the biggest fish she
could find and, using it like a dildo, fu*k* herself
until she was satisfied.

This has taught science many things.

We now know why the dinosaurs became extinct.
We also know why monkeys have no hair on their ass.
But to this day we still don't know how fish used to smell.

The Rules of Manhood
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. c. After wrecking your boss' car. d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". e) When she is using her teeth
3. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. A man in the company of a hot suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both.
19. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on for longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken, wild monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
And lastly:
27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a
Playstation2. End of story. :twisted: :lol: :lol:

Warning: A bit long.

One day a clerk is sitting at the counter in a convenience store, minding his own business as he watches the store. The doors open to the store, and in walks a fully dressed, feather 'n paint wearing Indian with a very dejected look on his face. He saunters over to a display near the counter before the clerk asks him what seems to be troubling him so.

"Me big chief...me humpa many squaw...me have many children..." the Indian laments.

"Shit, chief!" the clerk replies, "I know what you need--a condom!"

The chief looks at the clerk with a puzzled expression on his face, and the man takes him aside to briefly explain what condoms are for. After the quick lesson, he sends the chief on his way with a box of condoms.

The next day, the same clerk is at the same store, minding his own business when the chief comes back in. He is visibly upset, and levels a finger at the clerk, crying out "I"m gonna scalp you!"

"Whoa!" the clerk replied, "What's wrong?!?"

"Me big chief, me humpa many squaw....left nut go nngh, right nut go nngh, condom go pow!" fires the Indian.

"Okay, okay...listen, I know just what will fix the problem," the clerk says, "I have these special gold condoms, guaranteed 100% not to fail. Here ya go."

The chief takes the box and departs again, a pleasant smile on his face. The next day, same clerk, same convenience store. He looks over on the wall at a clock, wondering how the chief is doing with the special condoms.

All of a sudden, the doors fly off their hinges, the chief bursts into the store dressed in full war paint and headdress, carrying a tomahawk and a hunting knife. His eyes blaze with anger as he screams at the clerk:

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!"

"Whoa!!! Hang on chief, what's wrong??" the man meekly replies, holding up his hands.

"Me big chief, me humpa many squaw," the chief snarls, "Left nut go nngh, right nut go nngh, condom go nngh, left nut go POW!"

Improve the sex life

There were two guys in a bar discussing their sex lives.
One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?"
The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the wife have sex, she loses interest half way through. It's very frustrating."
The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago."
The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again.
The first guy says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says, "Buddy, don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having sex in the 69 position. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."
The first guy says, "So what happened?"
The other guy says, "She bit my cock off, shit in my face, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"

Following Zini's example
The Rules of Manhood Part II : pick up lines

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs... what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
22. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
24. My name is (name)... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover... you shouldn't go home without me.
34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

and last, but not the least

38. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

Arkansas, hmmm, yeah right

After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he
beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me
a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!"
gasped the girl.
Then she looked him over, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty
slow here right now, so let's go!"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the
same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Yes," replied the tourist.

"Where ah come from in Arkansas, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh
cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."

My two favorites (below in tiny font) are potentially offensive to women. OK, definitely offensive to some women, potentially offensive to the women of exposed and maybe some others.

Copy and paste them somewhere else to enlarge the font if you so choose.

Why is PMS called PMS?
Because Mad Cow diesease was already taken.

Why did god give women yeast infections?
So men wouldn't be the only ones to know what it's like dealing with an irritating cunt.

Please forgive. Don't ban. I love everyone. All jokes offend someone.

The Prostitute and the Koala
There was a koala bear who was approached by a prostitute one day. He had never been with a prostitute before. Curious and excited, Koala spent the night with her and had a GREAT time......
The next morning, he went down on her one last time before departing. After he was done, Koala headed for the door and was about to leave when the prostitute yelled, "hey........what about my money?"
Confused, the Koala turned around, gave her a puzzled look, shrugging his shoulders, and replied "Huh?"
"Come here....." she said and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition: "has sex and gets paid."
Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word Koala and showed her its definition: "eats bush and leaves."

Muffin

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barbers chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

To Be 6 Again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for Mother's Day. "I'd love to be six again", was her reply.
On the morning of Mother's Day, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her ___expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.


Famous Quotes from Redneck Movies

16. "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle... and your first and second cousin, your nephew..."

15. "We'll always have Wal-Mart."

14. "What does it feel like? Kind of like sticking your fingers in warm chicken fried steak with gravy."

13. "You had me at 'Sooooey!'"

12. "Houston, we have a 'possum."

11. "You're trying to seduce me, aren't you, Uncle Ed?"

10. "I feel the need... the need for sheep."

9. "Are you CRYING? There's no crying in NASCAR!"

8. "Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to pull her '68 Rambler into mine."

7. "I... see... black people."

6. "Use the horse, Luke!"

5. "I ate his ribs... with some pinto beans and a shot o' Jack Daniel's."

4. "Hokey opera and ancient museums are no match for a good tractor pull, kid."

3. "I know what you're thinking... did he fire six shots or only five?
Well, hell if I know! You KNOW I cain't count no higher'n three since the chainsaw accident!"

2. "My daddy always said, 'Life is like a ten-dollar hooker -- you never know what you're gonna' get.'"

And The Number 1 Famous Quote from a Redneck Movie...

1. "You want a tooth?! You can't HANDLE a tooth!!"

Q. What do you call an anorexic with thrush?

A. A quarter-pounder with cheese


Q. Why do women skydivers insist on wearing tampons?

A. So that they don't whistle on the way down


Q. Why are pussy lips vertical and not horizontal?

A. So girls don't make that "hubbida-hubbida" noise whilst sliding down hand-rails

Here's one i heard today:

Q. What's the difference between an elderly driver and the 69 position?

A. At least with the 69 position you can see the c@#t coming!


So true! - I love it!

twick or tweat

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot bitch, you just broke my fucking cookies!"

A man comes home form work one day and his wife is waiting at the door with her bags packed. He looks at her and then at the suitcases.
Man- "What's all this?"
Wife-"I'm leaving you."
Man- "Why are you leaving me?"
Wife- "Because you're a pedophile."
Man- "Pedophile!? That's a pretty big word for an eight-year-old"

Found on EBaum's World:
A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner."This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

although i'm sure everyone has seen this already since i got in an email, but i thought it was cute and it's in the spirit of thanksgiving...

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and
tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite
words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got
angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As
he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

i know we have women, but what the hell. shit load of one lineers:


whats the difference between a battery and a woman?
a battery has a positive side

what do you do when you get home from work and the kitchen is half clean?
you loosen up her chain.

what do you do when your dishwashers brokedown?
slap her in the ass and tell her to get back to work

what dont you buy your wife for christmass?
a watch. there a clock on the oven

why did God create man first?
because He didnt want an opinion on how to do everything.

why can't Hellen Keller drive?
because she a woman.

now for some random 1 liners( ps i find it sad when i talk to people and they dont know who Hellen Keller is)

what is Hellen Keller's dog's name?
eeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

why did Hellen Keller's dog commit suicide?
you would to if your name was eeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn

how did Hellen Keller's parents punish her?
they moved the furniture around

how did they punish her again?
they put a plunger in the toilet bowl. (imagine that ladies!)

how can you tell when a blonde used a computeR?
there is white out all over the screen


ANYWAYS! sorry if those jokes offended you. and im not a Mcp. i respect women and always treat them fair. its just that most of my jokes involve women and racism.

p.s im not really sorry


more jokes to come(if i havent gotten killed or banned)

:lol: ha ha ego :lol: ... of course you know that, as a woman, i will have to retaliate :wink: :wink:

*What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
the penis is fun, sexy, and satisfying...the prick is the guy who owns it

*Why do men masturbate?
it's sex with someone they love

*Why don't women blink during foreplay?
they don't have time

*Why are married women heavier than single women?
single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed.
married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.

*How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

*What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, because with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.

and lastly...
*Top 10 things not to say to a naked man:
1 This explains your car.
2 I never saw one like that before.
3 But it still works, right?
4 Are you cold?
5 I guess this makes me the early bird.
6 Ahhhh, it's cute.
7 Can I be honest with you?
8 Maybe it looks better in natural light.
9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

enjoy... :wink:

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

"How we gonna find an egg in all this shit?"