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JOKES!!!

Da' Legend

Senior Member
Joined
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Pharmacy

Pharmacy

Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young ladies realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills.

She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist. "Please fill this immediately," she asked. "I've got people waiting in my car!"
 

Da' Legend

Senior Member
Joined
Jun 22, 2005
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Twice a day

Twice a day

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"

"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.

"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.

"That's not so much", says the doctor.

"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.

"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.

"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.

"Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."

"I do", says the man. "Twice a day."
 

Da' Legend

Senior Member
Joined
Jun 22, 2005
Messages
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In a Japanese house a baby was born. It had tiny eyes, nose, ears and mouth so they n

In a Japanese house a baby was born. It had tiny eyes, nose, ears and mouth so they named him Ingwingwong.

Soon a second baby was born. It also had tiny ears, eyes, nose and mouth. They named him Chingwingwong.

Then the third was born. It had BIG ears, eyes, nose and mouth. The parents thought for long and at last named him Somethingwrong.
 

qazx

Senior Member
Joined
Sep 6, 2005
Messages
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40
Mary: I don't know why people are always complaining about their sex lives after they

Mary: I don't know why people are always complaining about their sex lives after they get married, Married people can have terrific sex lives.

Jill: Oh Really? How is that?

Mary: Well, of course! Look at me, I have terrific life not necessarily with my spouse!
 

Nizzle

I Love Lamp
Joined
Jun 24, 2004
Messages
1,207
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2,020
President Bush is addressing the nation in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina when one of his aides steps up to the podium and hands him a note.

"My fellow Americans, I've just been informed of another terrorist attack in Afganistan. Apparently, 3 Brazillians where killed in an airport early this morning"

The President then hung his head and started to cry. Taken back a bit, his aide shuffled over and whispered to him, "Mr. President, are you ok? It's just 3 Brazilians."

He said, "Son, do you have any idea how much 3 brazillion is?"

I'm here on Tuesdays
 

BigD

Senior Member
Joined
Oct 16, 2004
Messages
220
Reaction score
366
Clever little boy

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal
lovers
and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband
unexpectedly comes home. She hides her lover in the cupboard, not
realising that
her little boy is in there already.
The little boy says: "Dark in here." The man says: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$25-00."
A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in
the cupboard together again.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The boy says:"$75-00."
The secret lover says: "Fine, I will buy them."

A few days later, the father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots,let's go outside and have a game."
The boy says: "I can't, I sold them for $100." The father says: "That's
terrible to overcharge your friends like that.....$100
is way more than those two things cost.I'm going to take you to church
and make you confess your sins."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says: "Dark in here."
The priest says: "Don't start that shit again!"
 

bobobill

war on drugs veteran
Joined
Oct 30, 2004
Messages
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A little boy walked past his parents' room and they were having sex.
He said, "What are you doing?"
His dad said, "Playing poker and your mom is the wild card."
He said "OK," and went to bed.
The next day, dad walked past the boy's room and saw him spanking it and asked, "What the heck are you doing?"
The boy said, "I was playing poker."
His dad replied, "You can't play poker, you don't have a wild card."
He replied, "That's OK, I have a good hand!"


Q: Hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A: He opted to stick it out a while.


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


1000 men were asked to complete a survey of what they liked best about a
oral sex
.3% liked the warmth.
4% enjoyed the sensation.
93% appreciated the silence.
 

barosjn

Senior Member
Joined
Dec 20, 2004
Messages
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0
Abott and Costello

Zinista posted an Abbott and Costello joke and so will I. It's a little skit I found while going over my old issues of MAD magazine. This was what would happen if the duo were still alive today and were working in a music video library...

Abbott: Look sharp, Costello. I had to pull some strings to get us this job organizing tapes in the music video library.

Costello: But some of these singers and songs today have pretty confusing names.

Abbott: That's all right, boy. I know all the songs. You pull the videotapes, and I'll tell you which song each one is, and who does it.

Costello: And I'll write it down. Let's start with this Tracy Chapman video. Tell me the name of the song.

Abbott: "Give Me One Reason".

Costello: We're behind six months on the rent! Do you need a better reason.

Abbott: I'm telling you, man!

Costello: Don't get so mad at me. Forget this video. I'll save it until the end. Here's a bunch of Alanis Morissette tapes, but they're all mixed up. Which song is this one?

Abbott: "You Oughta Know".

Costello: I don't know the names of the songs. Which song is this?

Abbott: "You Oughta Know"!

Costello: But I DON'T know! What about this other Alanis Morissette video?

Abbott: It's "Ironic".

Costello: It's ironic that I don't know the name of the video?

Abbott: You heard me. It's "Ironic".

Costello: I don't think it's ironic.

Abbott: I'm telling you, it's "Ironic"!

Costello: Let's go back to the first one.

Abbott: "You Oughta Know", Costello.

Costello: Do you know the name of the Alanis Morissette song?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: Then please tell me the name of the Alanis Morissette song.

Abbott: "You Oughta Know".

Costello: You say I oughta know but I don't know. Now THAT'S ironic!

Abbott: No, that's the SECOND video!

Costello: I got two videos and I don't know either of 'em. What about this Mase video? What's the name of the song?

Abbott: "What You Want".

Costello: The name of the Mase song.

Abbott: "What You Want".

Costello: I want the name of the Mase song.

Abbott: "What You Want".

Costello: The name of the Mase song, you oughta know.

Abbott: Now you're talking about Alanis Morissette again.

Costello: And let me guess - it's ironic.

Abbott: Now that's the first correct thing you've said all day, Costello!

Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about! Could you pick up that tape next to you?

Abbott: Of course.

Costello: Which song is on that tape, Abbott?

Abbott: "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For".

Costello: That tape there in your hand.

Abbott: "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For".

Costello: That tape there.

Abbott: "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For".

Costello: Why don't you look in your HAND? Okay. Forget the song. Was that video made by a group?

Abbott: Of course it was.

Costello: And that group gets royalty payments from the record company?

Abbott: Every dollar. And why not? The group's entitled to it.

Costello: So you know what group gets the royalty payments?

Abbott: Yes. U2.

Costello: Me too?

Abbot: U2, Costello.

Costello: I get the royalty payments?

Abbott: Of course not, you're not in the group.

Costello: I'm not in the group?

Abbott: No.

Costello: But you know what group gets the payments?

Abbott: Certainly. U2.

Costello: I'm not in the group but I get payments.

Abbott: You do not!

Costello: But you know who does.

Abbott: Of course. U2!

Costello: I'd really like to be writing some of these down. Do you know the name of the group on this video?

Abbott: No Doubt.

Costello: Oh, I don't doubt YOU know it, but I wonder whether I'LL ever know it. Can you tell me the name of the song?

Abbott: "Don't Speak".

Costello: Don't speak?

Abbott: You heard me, Costello. "Don't Speak". Ready for the next video? Costello? Costello!

Costello: You told me "Don't speak!".

Abbott: That's right, "Don't Speak". Ready for the next one? Costello? Why aren't you talking?

Costello: You oughta know.

Both: Alanis Morissette!

Abbott: Why are you getting so excited?

Costello: Music affects me that way sometimes. I have a video here by En Vogue. Can you tell me the title?

Abbott: "Never Gonna Get It".

Costello: Why am I never gonna get it? Give me one reason.

Abbott: That's Tracy Chapman, we're not talking about her!

Costello: I'm not talking about Tracy Chapman either. You oughta know.

Both: Alanis Morissette!

Costello: Since we're naming so many female singers, can you tell me the title of this Sheryl Crow video?

Abbott: "If It Makes You Happy".

Costello: I would be ECSTATIC! Here's the last one. Which Spice Girls song is this?

Abbott: "Stop".

Costello: I'm not sure we ever started.

Abbott: You mean you haven't written any of this down?

Costello: How could I write any of it down? I ask for a title and you tell me it's what you want, and it's ironic I still haven't found what I'm looking for! Give me one reason! You too! Don't speak! Stop! No doubt I'm never gonna get it if it makes you happy! Because you oughta know - Alanis Morissette! Well I've had it! I want you to quit playing games!

Abbott: What's that you just said?

Costello: QUIT PLAYING GAMES!

Abbot: Ohhh, that's the Backstreet Boys!

Costello: URK!!!
 

stu2906

Senior Member
Joined
Jul 20, 2004
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Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.



Bruce says,"Where did you get that, Bluey?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
 

skynyrd_fan

Registered User
Joined
Jun 2, 2004
Messages
7,982
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Government Cat
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The Four Cats !
>
> Four men were bragging about how smart their
>
> cats were.
>
> The first man was an Engineer,
>
> the second man was an Accountant,
>
> the third man was a Chemist,,,,,,and
>
> the fourth man was a Government Employee.
>
> To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
>
> "T-square, do your stuff."
>
> T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some
>
> paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square,
>
> and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
>
> But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
>
> He called his cat and said,
>
> "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
>
> Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned
>
> with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles
>
> of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.
>
> But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his
>
> cat and said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"Measure, do your stuff."
>
> Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of
>
> milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
>
> exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
>
> Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
>
> Then the three men turned to the Government Employee
>
> and said, "What can your cat do?"
>
> The Government Employee called his cat and said,,,,,
>
> "CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff."
>
> CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,
>
>
>
> ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
>
>
>
> drank the milk,,,,,,,,,
>
>
>
> shit on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
>
>
>
> screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
>
>
>
> claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
>
>
>
> filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,
>
>
>
> put in for Workers Compensation...............and
>
>
>
> went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............
>
 

skynyrd_fan

Registered User
Joined
Jun 2, 2004
Messages
7,982
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Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
>
>
>
> "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
>
> "Huey," was the reply.
>
> "How's your day been, Huey?"
>
>
> "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
> else could a duck want?" said Huey.
>
> "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
>
> He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the
> answer from duck number two.
>
> "So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
>
> "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day
> myself. What else could a duck want?"
>
> The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
>
> "No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "My name is Puddles."
 

Da' Legend

Senior Member
Joined
Jun 22, 2005
Messages
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Necrophiliac

Necrophiliac
The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.

Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive erection she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behaviour.

"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and he surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't you give it a try too?"

"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."

And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too!

Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!"

"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."
 

Drive-By Trucker

Senior Member
Joined
Oct 24, 2005
Messages
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the local
pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary,
"I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye
now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me lovely ! wife." "Oh, that is very nice
indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won
the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She
said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's
only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to
pull him by the ears to make him come."
 

Texan

The Gunhand
Staff Alumn
Joined
Aug 30, 2004
Messages
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Subject: need a raise

Dear Managment,

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at
great depths.I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or holidays off and work
irregular shifts. I work in a damp environment. I work
in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work
in high temperatures.. My work exposes me to contagious
diseases.
Sincerely,
The Penis

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the
arguments you have raised, the administration rejects
your request for the following reasons: You do not
work eight hours straight. You fall asleep after brief
work periods. You do not always follow the orders of
the management team. You do not stay in your
designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations. You seldom take initiative. You need to be
pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety
regulations, such as wearing the correct protective
clothing. You are unable to work double shifts. You
sometimes leave your designated work area before you
have completed the assigned task. And if that were not
enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting
the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management Team
 

BigD

Senior Member
Joined
Oct 16, 2004
Messages
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((((RING))))

*Pick Up*

“Hello?”

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Bill"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Bill"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now"

Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"O my God!!! What about your Uncle Bill?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and hejumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

* Long Pause *

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 01987 486731??"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him
for $500.00. So they spent the night together.

In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have
any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque
and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing
that the whole event was not worth the price.

So, he sent a cheque for $250.00 and enclosed a note:

*****************

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat.
3. It was small enough to make me cosy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that
there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following
reply.....

****************************

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire
someone to remove your furniture.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket
according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along
the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and
sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure
it is clean. Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with
grapefruit and mint. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub
for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and
jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and
legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray
mould spots with tile cleaner. Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in a super
absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the
hand towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a
pile on the floor. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife
along the way, shake willy at her making the "woo-woo" sound. Look at
your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and
scratch your bum.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off. Fart and
laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time
washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those
coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo
Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail
to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the
whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain
open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. If you pass wife, pull off
towel, shake willy at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good
memory. I am not able to remember, what did I choose?

* Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the
condom factory.

* My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex,
she objects.


* Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard
feelings".

* There are only two four letter words that are
offensive to men; 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are
used together = 'don't stop'!

* Panties are not the best thing on earth, but next
to best thing on earth.

* There are three stages to sex in a person's life:
Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
* Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have
a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?

* Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with
the enemy.

* Q: What's an Australian kiss?

A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under

* A couple just married were happy with the whole
thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy
with the Thing.

* Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's
life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't suck!

* Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence. Johnny: Her
mouth said no, but "her ass meant" yes.

* Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a
whore? A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party
and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

* "Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles
to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!
 

BigD

Senior Member
Joined
Oct 16, 2004
Messages
220
Reaction score
366
100%?

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have
all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z


is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard
work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

:lol: :lol:
 

Spastic Camel

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21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas


1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.
 

tommy13

somewhat respected
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Paul Marin, Jack Layton, and Stephen Harper are all on a private jet together.Harper gets an idea.He says, "i'm going to throw this 100 bill out the window and make one canadian really happy".
Martin doesn't want to be outdone so he says"i'll throw these two 50's out the window and make 2 canadians really,really,happy.
Layton decides to go with the flow and says"i'll throw these 100 loonies out the window and make 100 canadians really happy.

At this point the pilot comes through the door and says"if you three don't shut the hell up right now, i'll throw all three of you out the window and make 32 million canadians really happy.
 

Texan

The Gunhand
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"Weeweechu"
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were
sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when
Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, "Weeweechu a
Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
 

Nizzle

I Love Lamp
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Why I fired my Secretary

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,let alone"Happy Birthday."

I thought...Well,that's marriage for you,but the kids....They will remember.

My kids came bounding down strairs to breakfastand didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday !" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said,
"You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
 
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