JOKES!!!

Old lady in an elevator

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New
York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets
into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She
turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by
Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator,
and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying,
"Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her
destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before
she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then
bends over and farts and says ... "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular
checkup. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?"
the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest
cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you
think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic
disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is
possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much
you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh,
about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

Thanks to the overwhelming adulation, I'll tell another...

This guy goes to a whorehouse and tells the madam..."I want something really different". So the madam says.."go up to room 215".

So the guy goes to room 215 and sees this girl on the bed. He tells her "I came here for something different". So the girl pops out one of her eyeballs and says "do it in here".

Anyway, the guy skull-fucks her eye socket. When he's finished he says "Wow! That was unbelieveable! I'll be back for more of that next week"!

To which the girl replies..."I'll keep an eye out for you".

Little Johnny's teacher says, "Class, today we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, "Me, Miss Finch!"

Miss Finch turns towards the eager young lad, "All right, Little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable
word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate".

Miss Finch smiles and says, "Well, little Johnny, that sure is a mouthful!".

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Finch, you're thinking of a blowjob".

Brooklyn Tony

Brooklyn
Tony ON GETTING OLDER
Brooklyn
Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After
the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all
that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make
you fat."
Brooklyn
Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man
asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Brooklyn Tony
answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.":flipthebi

A man wakes up in hospital and the doctor tells him that he has been involved in a terrible car crash and his penis has been severed.

The doctor tells him that all is not lost as it can be recreated at $1000 an inch but if he had a 5 inch penis and he goes for a 9 inch one his wife may be put out. One the other hand if he had a 9 inch penis and he goes for a 5 inch one his wife may not be satisfied. The doctor tells him to discuss it with his wife and let him know the next day when he is doing his rounds.

The next morning the doctor come round and asks if the man has made a decision.

The said the he has discussed it with his wife and they have made a decision.

The doctor asks "So what have you decided?"

The man says "We are going to have a new kitchen."

A man walkes into a bar witha steering wheel between his legs and the barman says "Why do you have a steering wheel between your legs?" and the man replies "Its driving me nuts."

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fuck for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!" she said.
"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."
"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."
"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"
"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.
The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, "Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I
s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
"W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d
s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g,
h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s b a l l s!"

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"
She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?"
"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting..." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto........Tonto Goldstein."

Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies.
A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their
medical gowns while they wait for the doctor.

Minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown
and begins to masturbate him. Shocked, he says, "My God,
what are you doing?" to which she replies, "We have to
vacate the sperm from your system in order to have a clean
procedure." Not wanting to cause a problem, the man
relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.

The second man watches all of this and by the time the
nurse turns to him, he is quite ready. To his surprise,
she drops to her knees, and proceeds to give him a blow
job.

The first man says, "Hey, what is this? How come I get
a hand job, and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse says, "That, sir, is the difference between an
HMO and Blue Cross."

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when
one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy starts to panic, then whips out his
cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to
the operator, "O my god! Help! My friend just freakin died.
He's dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy.
I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."

There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud
gun shot. Then the guy comes back on the line and says,
"OK, now what?"

Brianwp said:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when
one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy starts to panic, then whips out his
cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to
the operator, "O my god! Help! My friend just freakin died.
He's dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy.
I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."

There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud
gun shot. Then the guy comes back on the line and says,
"OK, now what?"

Click to expand...

Or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wpsf-EbyBhI