JOKES!!!

[Brianwp]

Gotta do this one from memory..

Two guys are walking through the woods on a camping trip when suddenly one of them cries out...

"What's the matter"? says Fred..

"I got bit by a snake"!

"Where did he bite you"?

"Right on the ass", Henry replied. "Please, go back to the cabin and call a doctor"!

So Fred goes back and calls the doc. "What should I do, doc"?

The doctor tells him "First, you have to suck the venom out of the wound".

Anyway, Fred goes back to see Henry.

"Did you call the doctor"?, asked Henry.

"Yeah, I did".

"So what did he say"?

"He said you're gonna die".

 

[Brianwp]

Four guys go deer hunting

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many
years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife
puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's
friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they
do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to
find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered,
and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your
wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since midnight. Yesterday evening, I
was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put
her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her
hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took
my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles
and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and
ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am.

 

[luddite]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when
one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy starts to panic, then whips out his
cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to
the operator, "O my god! Help! My friend just freakin died.
He's dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy.
I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."

There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud
gun shot. Then the guy comes back on the line and says,
"OK, now what?"

This should be in the "gun law" thread

 

[Brianwp]

Two women in a graveyard

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As
they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they
felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop
was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided
to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with,
so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself
and discarded them. The second not finding anything either,
thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used
the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each
other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to
be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no
good last night. My wife came home without her panties..."

The other one responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with
a card stuck to her ass that read, 'From all of us at the
Fire Station. We'll never forget you'."....

 

[Brianwp]

Thanks, Brian. Here's another..

Finally - - An answer I can understand...



An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"



To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fuckin' boat."

 

[Brianwp]

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie
kissed the girls and made them cry
and when the boys came out to play
he kissed them too, cause he was gay:fag:

 

[vandal420]

This guy goes to the zoo one day. While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

 

[Brianwp]

That reminds me of another, from memory, again...

This guy answers an ad he saw for someone selling a hunting dog. He goes out hunting with the guy to see what the dog can do.

"This is my best dog, he'll cost you a thousand dollars", said the seller.

"What's so good about him"?

"When he finds the birds, he tells you how many are there, every time"!

So, the dog finds a bird and comes back and scratches the ground once.

"That means there's one pheasant in there", says the seller.

Sure enough, one pheasant flies out.

Next time, the dog goes up to a bush and comes back and scratches the ground three times. Sure enough, three birds fly out of the bush.

Finally, the dog runs up to a big bush, and comes back with a stick in his mouth and starts humping the hunter's leg furiously.

"What the hell is he doing now"?, asks the hunter.

"He's trying to tell you there's more birds in that bush than you can shake a fucking stick at"!

 

[vandal420]

A lady walks into the dentists office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open.

"You must have made a mistake" says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologists office is one level higher." To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husbands dentures last week, now youll be the one getting them out."

 

[vandal420]

This is my all time favorite:

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" stated the counsel for the insurance company.

"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.

"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?"

"Yeah, but..." stammered the farmer.

"A simple yes or no will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.

"Yes," Replied the farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions.

"Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.

"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This police officer comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling."

"Now, what the fuck would you have said to him?"

 

[Brianwp]

Am I Gay?

Self examination for men..

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.
It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Fla-a-a-a-ming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat... 'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on barbeque ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you're in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he goes wherever he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you are a homo. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a fag.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut in front of a homo. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a burger, or hold his beer.
8. If you tie your sweater around your neck and let it drape across your back, yes, you're a fudge-packer.
9. If you give a limp wrested handshake, you're a homo-sex-you-all.

 

[Brianwp]

I don't know why I do this...

 

[sexyab]

LOOSE LIVING AND CHEAP WOMEN

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket.
He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"
The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior snapped "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

 

[Brianwp]

Think before you speak

Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think
before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words
back... or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w j0b?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the
store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with
mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if
we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to releasesome
pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust,
and annoyance from other patrons.
, I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of
laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old
daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I
don't have any clothes with me.." Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an
accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread
his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!

 

[Brianwp]

You're an extreme redneck when...

> You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
>
> 1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
>
> 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
>
> 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
>
> 4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
>
> 5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
>
> 6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
>
> 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
>
> 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
>
> 9. Your junior prom offered day care.
>
> 10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
>
> 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
>
> 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
>
>
> 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
>
> 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
>
> 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
>
> 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
>
> 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. > You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
>

 

[Brianwp]

Hangover ratings

I think we've all been there..

1 star hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night
was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of
misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can
drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving
a steak bomber and a side of gravy fries.


2 star hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look
okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The
coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake
breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your
bowels.


3 star hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely
not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because
her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did
with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at
1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in
your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching
the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke --
yet you haven't peed once.


4 star hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too
quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture
for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that
can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot
shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one
big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject
from the class picture of Revere High, '76.


5 star hangover (*****) AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually
annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka
vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your
mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the
ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating
you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely
don't remember who you were with, where you were, what
you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in
your bed at your house.

6 star hangover (******) otherwise known as the
"Infinite Nutsmacker"

You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds
you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing
feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your puke
from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as
drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you
the next morning....You try to lift your head. Not an
option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only
to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair,
and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra
lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you
smoked them like it was your second full time job. You
look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp
"Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead...... that
explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has
magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis.
You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32
seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is
your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.

 

[choppes]

A Frenchmen, an Englishman and an Italian were walking through the desert, and they come across a lamp. They rub the lamp, and a genie comes out. He'll give them each a wish. The Frenchmen goes first. He wants his people healthy and happy, together with all their loved ones who have already gone on to heaven. Poof, the Genie does it. the Italian goes second. He wants his people healthy and happy, also with all their loved ones who have already gone on to heaven. Poof, the Genie does it. The Englishman looks around and says:
"So all the Frenchies and Italians are gone off to heaven eh? Not a single one left on earth?

"Yup" says the genie.

The Englishmen thinks for a bit and says:
"Well then, I guess I'll just have a Coke."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two guys are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his prick. "I sure wish I could do that," one said. To which the other replied,

"Don't you think you ought to pet him first??"

 

[Brianwp]

A Frenchman, a Mexican, a black guy, and a redneck are sitting around the campfire drinking one night. All of a sudden, the Frenchman throws his empty wine bottle in the air and shoots it, shouting "Vive le France"!

Then the Mexican throws his bottle of tequila in the air and shoots it, shouting "Viva Mexico"!

Finally, the redneck throws his can of Old Milwaukee in the air and shoots the black guy, shouting "It don't get no better than this"!

 

[beepollen]

Did you hear about the two antenna who got married?

The ceremony was awful... but the reception was great!

 

[darklordzoidberg]

Following numerous accidents the Chinese government have employed Josef Fritzl because of his expertise at keeping miners alive underground.