JOKES!!!

[Da' Pimp]

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As
he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she
asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running
her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can
do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running
her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper towels in the ladies room."

 

[Red Horse]

A pair of newlyweds, smiling and giggling, check into their lakeside hotel. As the night clerk hands over the key, he gives the groom a wink.
Half an hour later, the clerk is surprised to see the guy in full fishing gear with tackle headed out the front door.
Unable to hold his astonishment, the clerk asks "Excuse me sir, but didn't you just check in?"
"Yes" the man answers.
"And isn't this your wedding night?"
"That's right."
"I don't mean to be forward," says the clerk, "but shouldn't you be upstairs doing what all newly married couples do?"
"Unfortunately, no," replies the man "my bride has gonorrhea."
"I'm sorry about that," the clerk says, "but you can still have fun. You know, oral sex."
"Not that either," he answers, "she also has a gum disease, pyorrhea."
"Oh, I see." The clerk looks around the lobby, then whispers "Well, how about...well...anal sex?"
"The new husband says "Again, no. She also has diarrhea."
Exasperated, the clerk blurts out "Why the hell did you marry her then?"
"Well," says the guy, "she also has worms, and I just love to fish!"

 

[bonestuff]

I know this is offensive to some but, what the hell...

Q: Why don't women need a driver's license?

A: Cause there's no road between the bedroom and the kitchen!!

:lol:

 

[Zinista]

Corny.. :roll:
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!
A New Jersey woman was found dead in her home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the lady face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of her ass.
Police suspect a cereal killer...

 

[egotripaholic]

what does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
go home

how did the nymph describe herself in a personal ad?
a no-holes-barred type of girl

 

[deacon blues]

You know you're trailer trash if...

10. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

9. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

8. Someone in your family died right after saying the words "Hey, y'all watch this!"

7. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

6. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

5. Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.

4. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

3. You've stabbed someone's hand while reaching for the last pork chop.

2. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

...and the number 1 way you can tell you're trailer trash...

You can't get married to your sweetheart "cause there's a dang law against it".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------*Edit*

Redneck carin' & sharin'

A white girl came up to her dad who was sitting in a beaten up armchair.
"Pa, kin ah borrow the truck to-nahgt?" she asked. Her dad looked up to her and said,
"Darlin', yew know what yew haf t'do if'n yew wants to borrer th' truck."
"But Pa! Ah haf t'go naow!" the white girl cried. Her daddy stood up and unzipped his pants.
"Yew know perfectly well what yew haf t'do. On yer knees, bitch!"
The white girl complied and started sucking her dad's cock. After a few seconds she stopped in disgust and looked up to her dad.
"Gee Pa, yore dick shore tastes like shit!" Her dad slapped his forehead and said,
"Dammit, Ah forgot! Ah already loaned the truck to yer brother just a few minutes ago!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------*Edit*

Those crazy hicks... :lol:

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a
seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks: "How many people here believe
in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who
believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever
seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students
raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here
ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off
his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years
I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have
slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us
about your experience." The redneck student replies with a
nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

 

[Saint]

Since it is the season


When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the
elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

 

[BigD]

Bill Clinton was out jogging when he passed a hooker.
Feeling horny,he looked in his pocket but he only had a $20 note.
He offered the bill to have sex with him,but she refused.
The next day he was out jogging with Hillary when they
passed the same hooker.As they got nearer to her she remarked:
"See?That's what you get for $20"

Q:How can you tell when your girlfriends horny?
A:You stick your hands in her pants and it feels like you're feeding a
horse.

A six year old girl walked into the bathroom without knocking
and caught her father taking a shower.
She pulled back the shower curtain,took a long look, pointed
at his hairy crotch and asked,"Daddy, whats that?"
The uptight father,embarrassed at being seen naked,
stammered,"It's my hedgehog"
The little girl thought for a while, frowned and said,"Well,
it's got a fuckin big dick"

Quote
Good sex is like cards, if you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.

Q:Whats the definition of a really passionate kiss?
A:Sticking your tongue so far down her throat you
can taste your own finger.

A young bloke went into a bar and watched 2 attractive girls
for a while before offering to buy them a drink.One of them
glanced at him and said,"Don't bother-we're lesbians."
He replied,"ok,I admit it, you got me-what's a lesbian?"
"I'll keep it really simle,"said one."We'd rather eat pussy
than suck cock."
"Barman!" bellowed the bloke,"drinks for us three lesbians"

A separated couple met unexpectedly and the woman began
bragging about her sexual exploits.The bloke listened for a
while then said,"I've slept with some truly gorgeous woman
since we broke up,but It's still you I think of during sex"
"Really!" squealed his delighted ex.
"Yep,"said the bloke,"It stops me from coming to soon."

 

[Cassidy]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a
statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
Oh, look, says the first nun, it's a soap dispenser

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood....sure enough he drops the second bar of soap

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells!Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!

 

[toberedagain]

Q: How you get a one armed pollack outta the tree A: Wave to him Q:How did Helen Kellers parents punish her? A:Rearranged the furniture Q:How did Helen keller burn her ear? A: She answered the waffle iron Q: whats a rooster and a hooker have in common? A: One says cock-a-doodledoo and other says any cock will do

 

[Reverb123]

Whats the capital of South Korea?


about 3 dollars.

 

[Graywolf]

The Top Six Reasons Computers Must Be Female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory
for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

[Fresh Prince]

A man goes hunting, he's sitting up in a tree when a black bear cub comes into view. He lines up his shot and fires, killing the cub. About that time he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find a big brown bear standing over him. The brown bear speaks up and says...

"You've got two options. 1. I can maul you to death right here. Or 2. You can bend over and take it up the ass from me until I am done."

So the hunter, not wanting to die, opts for option 2.

After a few months in the hospital from the hunting trip, the hunter decides to return to find that brown bear. Sitting up in the tree again, that same brown bear comes into the clearing. So he lines up his shot and fires, killing that brown bear. About that time again, he feels a tap on his shoulder. This time, a big grizzly bear is standing over him and says...

"I am starting to think you aren't coming here for the hunting"

 

[Fresh Prince]

Q: How you get a one armed pollack outta the tree A: Wave to him Q:How did Helen Kellers parents punish her? A:Rearranged the furniture Q:How did Helen keller burn her ear? A: She answered the waffle iron Q: whats a rooster and a hooker have in common? A: One says cock-a-doodledoo and other says any cock will do

Speaking of Helen Keller... How do you piss Helen Keller off? Leave the toilet plunger in the toilet.

 

[Red Horse]

Who invented copper wire?
Two Scotsmen in a tug of war over a penny!

 

[joeramdom]

Q: What's blue and mows the lawn?
A: My bitch and i'll paint her whatever colour i like.


Q: What does Budweiser have in common with having sex in a canoe?
A: They're both fucking close to water.


Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A: Christopher Walken.

BAM!!

 

[Zinista]

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said siness". I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States". He swallowed hard ... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish. Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

 

[hodgepodge]

A lawyer and a blonde woman happen to be sitting next to each other on
a long flight from L. A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and
asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and
just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to
the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of
fun. He explains how the game works.

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me,
and vice-versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get
some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he
will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. Okay, how about
this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't
know the answer, I will pay you 500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be
no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
Earth to the moon. The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her
purse,

pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer.

"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The
lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all the references. He taps into the Air-phone
with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.
Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows.
All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he
finally gives up.

He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, and is going nuts
trying to figure it out, is more than a little frustrated!

He wakes up the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with
three legs and comes down with four.?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.






And a corny, stupid joke that makes me laugh anyways:
There are two muffins in an oven. Muffin #1 says "man it's hot in here." The second muffin then says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!!!"

 

[Zinista]

You know you workin’ in the hood if…
1. The vending machine sells Kool-Aid and sugar in Ziploc bags.
2. Plastic runners lead to every office.
3. Company cars have rag tops and rims.
4. The logo is in graffiti.
5. The hold music is Shaft.
6. You’re pulling six figures. They pay you in cash.
7. President wears leather suits and silk shirts.
8. Secretary wears one sponge roller.
9. Office hours? 10-4. Wednesday to Friday. Maybe.
10. Corporate account at Motel 6.
11. Somebody got shanked in a meeting.
12. Company ID photo is taken in wicker chairs.
13. Waiting room magazines are Right On and a 1969 Jet, with the Beauty of the Week ripped out.
14. When your work voice mail plays “Computer Love".
15. Dental coverage reimburses for gold fronts.
16. Payroll clerk carries petty cash in her bra.
17. Plastic cover on lobby furniture.
18. Boss has pimp cane.
19. Stationary got another company’s name scratched off.
20. Instead of “Johnson & Associates” it’s “Johnson & ‘nem".
21. Incense in the bathroom.
22. They let you off early when the new Jordans are released.
23. Your co-workers barbecue on the fire escape.
24. Your VP has gotta be home by 2 pm, because he’s on house arrest.
25. Sexual harassment policy contains the words “poontang” and “ill

 

[joeramdom]

Q:
Why did Michael Jackson go to K-mart?

A:
Because he heard that boys shorts were half off.


Q:
What's Michael Jackson's favorite time of Day?

A:
12 o'clock because that's when the big hand is on the little hand.