JOKES!!!

[BigD]

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Redneck Computer Lingo

"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Software System

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

 

[musicfreak]

Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Redneck were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Redneck felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Redneck finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."



<(And another)>

A lady, fresh from the shower stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts
to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them
for a few seconds."

She fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it
between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asked. "They will grow
larger over a period of years," her husband replies.

She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

He responds, "Sure! Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

 

[BigD]

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl and her mother were out and about.
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy is sitting at a bar having a few wobbly-pops and suddenly gets this feeling that he has to go make an urgent call to the potty. So he goes into the bathroom and sees this really short guy taking a piss. He takes the stall next to this short guy, and while taking a piss the guy happens to look over at the little guy and by accident sees his dick. He just can't help saying to the guy "man that is a big dick! I wish that I had a dick that big!"
"Well" says the little guy," I'm leprechaun and I can grant you one wish, and all you have to do is suck on me wang!"
In horror of the thought the man exclaims, "I don't think so you little faggot, even for a dick that size!"
"Fine then" says the leprechaun.
But after a minute of thinking the man says "Alright I'll do it." So the man starts to suck the leprechaun's dick and when he is finished he says "I can't believe that I am going to have a dick that big!"
And the little guy says, "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three buddies decided to take their wives on a week-long vacation to Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, the men sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy said, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night, and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy said, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there, and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light' or 'hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy said, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there, and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't...

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in traffic and thinks "wow, this traffic seems worse than usual, we're not even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highwayin between the cars and he rolls down his window and says "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?"
"O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have the $8.5 million for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says "Oh really? How much have you got so far?"
"So far?....Ten gallons."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Diary.

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow plough.

Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28 - That fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!
:canada: :canada: :canada: :canada: :canada: :razz:

 

[BigD]

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."
Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubb on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could go. Well, he gets to about 90 miles per hour and,WHAM! There are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well, the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."
The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?"
The trooper says, "No, even more important."
The chief replies, "It's the Governor, isn't it ?"
The trooper replies "No, even more important."
"It isn't the President is it?"
"No, more important," replies the trooper.
"Well, WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach, and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Minutes later, he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
******************************************************************

 

[maxwelld]

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
5 people to hotlink to pictures of lightbulbs hosted on geocities
6 people to complain about dead images
3 people to tell them to right click the image and copy the URL into another window
13 to read all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers, images and signatures, and add "I agree"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

 

[Spastic Camel]

THINGS TO DO AT K-MART WHILE YOUR OTHER HALF IS SHOPPING

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys
When they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to a store employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
"I think we have a Code three in homeware."


5. Put M & M's on lay-by.


6. Move "CAUTION WET FLOOR" signs to the carpeted areas.


7. Set up a tent in the sporting section; tell others you'll only
Invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, start crying and ask, "Why
won't people leave me alone?"


9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror to pick
your nose.


10. While handling guns in the sporting section, ask the salesperson
If the gun is sold with a prescription for antidepressants.


11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission
Impossible".


12. In the auto dept practice your Madonna look by using different
sized funnels.


13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, jump out
and yell, "Pick me!"


14. When an announcement comes over the PA system,
assume the foetal position and scream, "Not the voices again!"


15. Go into the fitting room and call out loudly, "Hey,
there's no toilet paper in here."

 

[phynix]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."
"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars............ but Realistically,......... we're living with two Sluts and a Queer

 

[Zinista]

An Aussie joke

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar; a man.The three men kept
looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God,I know who that man is. It's Jesus The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus
himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman call out, "Hey, you!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks. The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men. Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?" Jesus nods and says,

"Yes, I am Jesus."

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send Over a pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him For the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove", he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years
is completely gone. It's a Miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers ...

"Fuck Off, mate. I'm on workers comp."

 

[Ankit Pande]

Jo

Finance Hooker

A new hooker had just finished her first trick and when she came down the street, the seasoned veterans gathered around to hear the details.

She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular, handsome sailor."

"Well, what did he want you to do?" they all asked.

She said, "I told him missionary-style sex would be $100, but he didn't have that much. Then I told him oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either. Finally I asked him how much money he had."

The sailor said, "I have $25."

So the hooker said, "Well, for $25, all I can do is service you by hand."

The hooker went on the explain that, "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first, and then the first hand above the second hand... it was the best dick you could lay your hands on, kind of Perfect"

"Oh my God," they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge, then what did you do?"

"I loaned him $75!" she exclaimed.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Bald Parrot"

A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The Parrot, being a male, sneaks out and screws the next door neighbor turkeys and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act.

The next door neighbor knock on the door and explain what the Parrot has been doing. The owners of the parrot reprimand him and tell him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave the parrots head.

That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and screws his neighbor turkeys again. The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head.

The following morning is the Farmer's daughters wedding, and in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot, they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church.

The parrot is doing fine. "Groom's side to the left and Bride's side to the right". The two bald guys walk in and the parrot says, "And you two Turkey-screwing pals, up on the piano with me!!!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(this is a true story)
Neil Armstrong

When Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky".

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Four years ago, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors' bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

Oral sex? You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TEN REASONS TO HAVE SEX

1. Scientific tests find that when women make love, they produce double amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscles in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquillizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than Valium.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restrict blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a national antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A trucker was driving his fully-loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally-steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making love.

He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not about to get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hecks's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"

The man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

 

[Ankit Pande]

Joky

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet.

Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mike worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his organ into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Mike indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Mike came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Mike?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my organ into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Mike, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Mike, what happened?"

I got fired."

No, Mike. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

Oh...she got fired too."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands.

By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who whose

One morning a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room.

The housewife explained that she'd had a party the night before in which the company played "Who's Whose" - each of the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity.

"Gee, that sounds like fun," said the milkman. "Sure wish I'd been there."

"You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three times.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q ) Why the similarity between a Girl and a Light Bulb?
A) They both can be turned on.......
Q)..............so where's the problem?????
A) The girl cant be turned off


Q) Whats another similarity between them?
A) They both need to be screwed.
Q) .............so where's the problem????
A) Once your done with the screwing, you cant unscrew the damn bitch!


Q) Whats the best part about a bulb compared to a girl???
A) When they're overworked they just pop and you chuck em out & go get a new one......with your bitch, you just dont have that choice.


Q) So why is it that Guys still choose the girl over the bulb?
A) Ever tried shoving your dick up a glass bulb?

 

[Ankit Pande]

Jo key

Almost Married!

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many years.

The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?

The second guy speaking very s.l.o.w.l.y tells the first guy,
"I w.a.s a.l.m.o.s.t m.a.r.r.i.e.d."

The first guys says in amazement "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The second guy replies:
"Y.e.s I w.e.n.t t.o a d.o.c.t.o.r a.n.d h.e t.o.l.d m.e t.h.a.t i.f I s.p.e.a.k s.l.o.w.l.y t.h.e.n I w.i.l.l n.o.t s.t.u.t.t.e.r."

The first friend congradulates him and then asks again about how he was almost married.

"W.e.l.l m.y f.i.a.n.c.e a.n.d I w.e.r.e s.i.t.t.i.n.g o.n h.e.r p.o.r.c.h a.n.d t.h.e d.o.g w.a.s s.c.r.a.t.c.h.i.n.g h.i.s b.a.c.k a.n.d I t.o.l.d h.e.r t.h.a.t w.h.e.n w.e a.r.e m.a.r.r.i.e.d s.h.e c.a.n d.o t.h.a.t f.o.r m.e a.n.d s.h.e t.h.r.e.w t.h.e r.i.n.g i.n m.y f.a.c.e"

"Why did she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W.e.l.l I s.p.e.a.k s.o s.l.o.w.l.y t.h.a.t b.y t.h.e t.i.m.e s.h.e l.o.o.k.e.d a.t t.h.e d.o.g h.e w.a.s l.i.c.k.i.n.g h.i.s b.a.l.l.s"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

90 Cents

A Jewish girl came home one day and said, "Mom, I got married."

Her mother said, "Oh, that's great."

The girl said, "But, Mom, he's an Arab."

Her mother said, "Oy, that's not so great."

The girl said, "But he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."

This Sheik had put up the girls folks in a huge posh villa and they left for Arab.

Six months later, the Jewish girl walked into the house and said, "Mom, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in my ass. Day and night, all he'll do is bang me in the ass. When I got married, my asshole was like a dime. Now it's like a silver dollar."

Her mother said, "So for 90 cents you're going to make trouble?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Which of them can have sex the most times in one night?

There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.

So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms. The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a "| " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep.

He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep.

He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another " | " on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and eleven?! Damn! You beat me by three."

 

[expo]

Two blokes and a woman are on a business trip, but when they get to their hotel there has been a mix up with the rooms and they have to share a double bed. The woman offers to sleep in the middle as the blokes don't want to sleep next to each other. In the morning the first bloke wakes up and says, "I had a fantastic dream last night that I was getting a hand job from a gorgeous blonde." The second bloke says, "Weird! I had exactly the same dream." At this the women tuts and says, "You men are all sex obsessed - I dreamt I was skiing!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

 

[BigD]

CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tyred.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
:flipthebi :flipthebi

 

[expo]

MORE CHINESE PROVERBS

Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Man who puts dick in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!

 

[Ankit Pande]

tir bits

There was a Jewish man who did circumcisions on small Jewish baby boys. He had been doing it for years and all the time collected the foreskins from all the babies.

He had quite a lot, then one day walked past a shop that had the following sign in the window,

"We Can Make Anything Out Of Anything - Just Bring The Material"

So the Jewish man went in and asked them to make a purse from the foreskins he had collected. He was told to go back in a week's time when it would be ready.

A week later, he returned to the shop to collect the purse. He complemented the shopkeeper for doing such a fine job and asked how much he owed him.

"$300" said the shopkeeper.

"$300, for such a small purse, you must be joking! How come it's so expensive?"

The shopkeeper replied "Ah, you see this is no ordinary purse...if you rub it, it turns into a suitcase"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, shooting him right through the penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.

"This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"

"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman finally got divorced from a rather nasty and egotistical man. She then re-married someone whom she felt would treat her with more love and kindness.

When her ex-husband happened to meet her on the street one day, he couldn't overcome his usual tendencies, and asked her sarcastically, "So, how does that new husband of yours like screwing a used pussy?"

He likes it just fine," she replied, "once he gets past the used part."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's this guy who loves his girlfriend so much he decides to have her name tattooed on his dick. It said "WY" when it was soft, and "Wendy" when it was hard.

A few months later the couple get married. For their honeymoon they take a trip to a Caribbean island resort. Once there, they decide to go to a nude beach.

While strolling on the beach, the guy sees a local man with the letters "WY" on his dick too.

The tourist walks up to the local, points at tattoo on his unit and asks,

"Hey, is your girlfriend's name Wendy too?"

The man says with a thick Island accent,

"No mon, mine says, 'Welcome To The Island, Have A Nice Day'."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hand Jobs & Cheese!

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill. He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"

The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

 

[expo]

A bloke holds a fancydress pary where his guests have to come dressed as emotions. The first guest arrives covered in green paint with the letters N and V on his chest. He says, "I'm green with NV." A few minutes later the next guest arrives - a women covered in pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. She says, "I'm tickled pink." Then the host opens the door to see two Irish blockes, Paddy and Mick, standing there naked, one with his knob in a bowl of custard and the other with his knob stuck in a pear. The host is shocked and asks, "What the hell are you two doing? What emotion is this supposed to be?!" Paddy replies, "Well, oim fuckin' discustard, and Mick has come in despair."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two drunken women are stumbling back after a night out. Still a way from home, they pass a church, and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard for a tinkle. As they finish, they both realise they have nothing to "freshen-up" with. Panicking, the first women decides to use her knickers and then throw them away. Lady number two, however, is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them. Then she notices a newly dug grave with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquest with a thick soft ribbon. "Just the job," she thinks and drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task completed, the women continue staggering home. Next morning, the husband of the first women phones the hubby of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives," he says. "Mine came home with no knickers on last night!"

"You think you've got problems," exclaims the second bloke. "Mine came home with a card stuck up her bum that read 'We'll never forget you. From all the lads at the fire station.'"

 

[Ankit Pande]

Koke

A WOMAN comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband: Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well,they're gone.

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache."I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies: "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says: "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says: "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says: "Boy that was wonderful!"

The husband says: "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says: "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying:

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils.

"Johnny, what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.

The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic.

"What is three times three?"

"Nine, Sir."

"How much is nine times six?"

"Fifty-four."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looked at Ms Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."

Ms Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agreed.

Ms Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

"Pockets!"

"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"

"Pants."

"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

"Coconut. !"

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge.

"Bubblegum!"

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does! sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

"Shake hands, Ma'am."

"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK? First one. You stick your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do."

Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"

"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."

"Nose."

"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver."

"Arrow."

"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?"

"Fire truck, Ma'am!"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university!!!!, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

 

[delboy]

did you hear about the drunk circumcisionist???

he got the sack :eyebulge:

 

[Ankit Pande]

Jokey

Viagra Q & A

Viagra + Crime = ?
Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.
The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!

Viagra + Death = ?
What happend to the man who died on an overdose of Viagra?
They couldn't close the coffin.

Viagra + Eyedrops = ?
Why'd the man take Viagra eyedrops?
Because he wanted to look hard!

Top 5 Viagra slogans
5. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper."
4. "Viagra, it plumps when tou take 'em."
3. "Strong for a man, but made for a woman."
2. "Just do it!"
1. "This is you penis. This is you penis on Viagra. Any questions?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bushy Babe

These 2 friends were enjoying a few drinks when Santa asked Banta, "Tell me Banta, in all honesty, what do you think of a woman with a growth of black hair under her nose?"

Banta replies, "Shit no, I would never be turned on by a woman like that."

Santa says, "OK, so tell me, what about a woman with big black hairs growing under her arms?"

Banta says, "For shits sake what are you talking about? I couldn't even get it up with a woman like that."

Santa says, "OK but let me ask you another question, what about a woman with long black hairs growing on her legs, never shaves her legs?"

Banta replies, "Shit man give me a break, I would never get into bed with a lady like that."

Santa says "OK so answer me one last question, if all you say is true, why the hell are you FUCKING my wife?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Income Tax Visit

A man who was called to testify at the Income Tax dept, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the vist to the Tax Dept?"

The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Five reasons not to be a penis!

1) Your head is bald forever.
2) You live between two nuts.
3) An asshole lives behind you.
4) Your best mate’s a cunt.
5) When you get excited, you get sick and then faint.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and G are the letter used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for...
It is about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{G} - GEEEEzus Christ!
{F} - Fake.

 

[delboy]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

..............................................................................................................................................

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too??????

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
...........................................................................

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around'."

...................................................................................