JOKES!!!

[darklordzoidberg]

What do you call a blonde who has been dead in a closet for 2 decades?

Answer: Hide and go seek champion of 1989

 

[-KA-]

Bloke walks into a pub with an emu and a cat.

All three drink away but when its the cat's turn to shout
he walks away. The bloke pulls out some quid and three
beers are placed on the bar, and then the cat immediately
returns and starts downing his pint. This went on for a few
hours.

Barman asks the bloke why the cat refuses to pay.

"Long story" says the bloke. "Found a lamp, rubbed it,
and a genie appeared who granted me one wish. So I
asked for a long legged bird with a real tight pussy..."

 

[Brianwp]

So this guy wakes up one morning and sees a dot on his forehead. After several days, it has gotten bigger, so he goes to the doctor.

"So what's going on, Doc?"

"Well, I've heard of this in medical school, but never actually seen it. You have a penis growing in your forehead. It will grow larger every day, until it's full size."

So the guy asks.."Do you mean when I get up every morning and look in the mirror, I'll see a penis sticking out of my forehead?"

The doctor replied.."No, don't worry. Your ballsack should be covering your eyes."

 

[moxdevil]

I was alone on a late train last night when a gorgeous cute girl got on and sat directly across from me. I couldn't help but notice her skirt had ridden up revealing her panties to me.

She showed no interest in hiding her charms, her face was expressionless & she exuded an aloof sexuality I could not resist.

I dropped to my knees, gradually moving forward with the sole intention of placing my nose & tongue between her parted thighs.

As I got closer and could hear the panting get louder I thought to myself, "I really wish her guide dog would fuck off!"

 

[-KA-]

Johnny: Miss, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Johnny: Good, because I haven't done my homework.

 

[tommy13]

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation.
He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This, "
he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to
be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."



After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put
it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most
in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and
one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put
it into their mouths.


After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his
head. "If any of you had been observant, you would
have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and
my third finger into my mouth."

 

[tommy13]

The most common sexual position for married couples
is doggy style. Husband sits and begs for pussy and the wife
rolls over and plays dead.


The sex professor asks: "Do you know what your asshole
is doing while your having an orgasm?" Woman replies, "Probably
deer hunting with his friends"




Quote of the day: Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going
down on your cousin. Sure it tastes the same but it just ain't
fuckin right!


Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Cuz grass tickles their nuts!


98% of black men say they like sex in the shower... the other
2% haven't been to prison yet.

 

[luddite]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning
to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"
and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It
completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low
cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.

-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give
him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop
before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.
Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
-----------------------------------------------------------
On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums,
Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the
right answer. They've sent my form back!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his
wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing
line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs
back. (ouch!)
-----------------------------------------------------------

 

[luddite]

We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.

We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.

The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the backyard! .............She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.

 

[luddite]

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".

The man quickly responds, "the attorney's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

 

[luddite]

A wife texts her husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen"

The husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it"

The wife texts back: "Computer completely fucked now"

 

[luddite]

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son.

The boy is holding a quarter.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, and goes blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts to panic, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, carefully puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, arises from her seat, and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants.

She takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles , the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'!

 

[luddite]

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel, I asked the lady at the desk: "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard!"

 

[army1959]

A blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learned how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5, 6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.

"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.

"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy.

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25."

 

[army1959]

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

 

[army1959]

learn to pay attention

first year students at med school were receiving their first
anatomy class with a real human body
they all gathered around the surgery table with the body
covered with a white sheet
the professor started the class by telling them in
medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities
as a doctor the first is that you not be disgusted by
anything involving the human body
for example the professor pulled back the sheet stuck
his finger in the butt of the corpse withdrew it and
stuck it in his mouth go ahead and do the same thing

the students freaked out hesitated for several minutes
but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of
the dead body and sucking on it

when everyone was finished the professor looked at them and
told them the second most important quality is
observation i stuck my middle finger in and sucked on my
index finger

now learn to pay attention

 

[luddite]

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.

"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.

"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''

''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender.

''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!"

''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!''

''Damn, that really is a drag!''

''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!''

''That would sure mess up my day."

''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!''

 

[Gooner1]

Paddy and Murphy are in a pub celebrating after watching their team wini their derby match and also the league. After a few pints of guinness they finally decide that it is time to go home.
They gradually make their way to the nearest bus stop before Murphy realizes that the last bus has been and gone.
"That's all we need we've missed the last bus" say's Murphy.
"Fek, what are we going to do now?" replies paddy.
"I know, we will go to the bus station and steal a bus then we can get home." say's Murphy.
"Great idea." say's Paddy.
So they make their way to the bus station. Once they got there, Murphy say's,
"I'll wait out here and keep an eye out, while you go inside and steal the bus. If I see anyone coming I will hoot like an owl."
"Ok Murphy, concider it done." say's Paddy.
And with that Paddy makes his way into the bus station.
10 minutes, then 20 minute go by and still nothing happening. After 45 minutes Murphy was starting to wish that it was him going in to steal the bus when all of a sudden he starts to here engins starting up then the the bus reversing alarms. After another 10 minutes Paddy finally arrives out of the station with the bus.
"What the fek took you so long?" said Murphy.
"Well the bus with our stop was right at the back".

 

[luddite]

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10, and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up all of their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

 

[bigmarlin]

One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who didn't bitch, nag or complain. But it was long, long ago and it was just one day.